I work at a bar. I live with someone. I have friends. I love reading. That sums me up.
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Friday, March 30, 2007
My latest with the roommate is not paying the bills. She's ill with a sinus infection. Therefore, she cannot pay her bills.
Makes complete sense to me.
Since I am the one that pays the electric bill, we at least have working lights. She pays the cable/internet bill. So we currently have neither of those.
In my frustration I drove to Matt's apartment last night. He said I was more than welcome to sleep there if RHM decided to drive me up the wall. I assumed that included me coming over there to watch tv and check my mail.
So after checking my mail I realized I had about 248,390 e-mails that were spam, four e-mails from my parents, and one e-mail from Matt. When I opened Matt's e-mail here is what it said: A, If your near my place tomorrow can you head by and check my door for a note from the post office? I'm expecting a package of corals I think, or at least hope today or tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'll be back before the post office closes. word, J
I had to laugh. If I was around his apartment, why would I need to pick up the note? His corals come from a place that make him have to sign for them. So what... I get the note... and hold onto it? His apartment building has maybe 6 tenents in it, and all of them adore Matt and wouldn't take notes off his door. I wrote back to him explaining my situation and telling him I was already in his apartment and if he wanted me to, I could just stay and sign for it in the morning. (Also I should mention that "J" stands for Joseph which is his real first name, the only time he goes by that is when he writes e-mails... odd I know.)
He writes back again:
A$, Stay at my place tonight. Its much nicer than yours. I dont actually think that they will deliver the package to me tommorow. I hope to be back around there by like 3 or so but I'm drinking right now at Mikes home warming party. J-bird
For some reason, I get the feeling that he wanted me in his apartment. For the life of me, I have no idea why, but those e-mails were very odd to me, and normally he doesn't ask for things like that. Especially if he's drinking. Oh well, I guess it's one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus things...
Yesterday was very frustrating. Matt was leaving for Chicago again, and when I asked him that morning, if I could come over and make dinner for him, he said yes. I knew he'd leave shortly after he was done eating, but I was so happy I wanted to do something for him. Before I left his apartment that day, I suddenly remembered I had a meeting.. "oh shoot, I do too!" he said (this was one of his "reasons" for coming home, the meeting wasn't that important though). We laughed and I said, "Whatever, I'll just come over right afterwards." I came over around 7:15, and he wasn't home yet. I was dressed in a dress that I knew looked good on me. I knew it looked good on me because A.) it exposed cleavage that most people don't know I have and B.) I had had two guys (friends) try and rub my shoulders, Matt's next door neighbor gave me a compliment on it and normally he doesn't talk to me, and when Matt walked in the door, he said "Holy shit!" and sat there undressing me with his eyes.
What wasn't noticed by all that I walked past, was the fact that this dress came commando. Most women have done this trick, wear a dress, and don't wear the panties. Men seem to love it, and women will get what they want from it.
So.... Matt walks in and I'm standing in his kitchen cooking and wearing a dress with no underwear. He asked me what I was doing and I said "cooking, silly." A look of extreme guilt crossed his face. "I already ate," he said. I turned around and stared at him.
He told me that he got confused and thought since he was in a meeting and I was in a meeting that we were just going to eat separately. It was an honest mistake, but frustrating nonetheless. He said that he honestly wished he hadn't eaten the pizza because I was making flat iron steak and mashed potatoes. Oh well. So I stopped where I was and went into the living room with him. He told me that he was waiting for his friend to call him back and then he was going to leave. His friend had his conference pass and he needed it for Wednesday. We started talking and while he was telling me something terribly uninteresting about one of his friend's friends, I started unbuttoning his shirt. When I got to his pants, he said, "You're right, I don't know why I'm talking." I laughed and before I could remove the pants, his entire leg started to vibrate and ring. I rolled off of him so he could answer, and doing so, he must have learned my secret, because as he was saying hello, his hand flew up my dress, got to my bare bottom and thats when he gave me a look like "Hellllllllloooo Nurse." (Animaniacs reference) He, for a moment, forgot about his phone conversation. The rest of his phone time went something like this: "Yes, Uh huh, Yes, Oh, Ok, No it's fine, Yea, come on over, QSW and I are here."
Complete frustration on my part. When he got off the phone, he didn't have to tell me, the look of complete guilt was all over his face. His friend was already on the way here, and there was nothing he could do about it. "I'm so sorry, " was all that he could say. "It's fine..." I said with a sigh.
I got up to leave, and he asked if I was going to cook the steaks without him. "Yea probably Friday though." I said. "Wait... what is Friday?" he asked. "I'm having a cook out with all of my friends in my apartment." I said. He looked extremely offended. "Oh, so I'm not invited?!" He looked hurt. I raised an eyebrow and said, "Yes, if you are back from Chicago by then, but I have a feeling you won't be, so I figured I'd see you Sunday." "When were you going to tell me about this? You know I can come back early if you tell me these things! And what about Saturday? Too busy to hang out with me then?" he said in a somewhat pissed off tone. I was kind of stunned at this point. After I got over my astonishment, I said "Well Matt, I just decided 3 hours before I saw you that I was going to have a cook-out, I was planning on telling you about it over dinner, and Saturday I'll be gone all day and night because it's active overnighter (my service fraternity's get together) so Sunday is when I'LL be back." I was kind of pissed off at that point. He looked guilty again. Wow, three times in one night, I have feminine powers I did not know about. He sheepishly said, "Well, I'll probably leave Chicago on Friday afternoon." "Well then, I'll expect you at my apartment for dinner then." I said. Then I kissed him goodbye, walked out the door, down the stairs, out the door again, around the corner, and right smack dab into GH.
I thought the two day time span had nice symmetry to it. GH and I eating, and running into Matt on our way out. Matt and I not eating, and me running into GH on my way out.
"Hey Rockstar" he said(it's a pet name he uses for me). "Hey" I said "I'm off to walk around for awhile." "In that dress at night? Are you kidding? Alone?" He looked concerned. "I guess you are going to have to walk with me then, if you are so concerned," I said back. He turned from the path he had originally been walking on, and started walking with me. We walked for an hour and then I returned him to Melinda's (my brother's ex and his current gf) apartment, and walked the rest of the way home.
So you guys were right. I was overthinking things.
Yesterday at 4:30 I went to give blood. While I was there GH showed up. As a joke I walked up to him and said, "They have a question here that I need your help answering. Have you had sex with a male since 1977?" There was a good laugh between him, the nurse, and myself. After I was done giving blood, he was still waiting around... "What's up?" I asked. "Wanna go to dinner? I'm buying" he said.
So we went to Q'doba. I didn't mention my irrational mood about Matt. But at the end of dinner, I said, "I need to go to Matt's apartment and close his windows, I think it's going to rain tonight." GH asked where Matt was. "In Chicago the rest of the week." I said... with a little bit of a sigh. He looked at me questionally, and decided against prying. As an apologietic comment I said "I just miss him" and at that point I realized it was true.
We got up and walked to the trash, I looked outside to the street and there was Matt, sitting in his car. "Or, he's here." I said GH looked to where I was and laughed. We walked outside as he was parking his car, and we ran over to say hi. GH left soon after, and I walked upstairs with Matt. "Why are you back?" I asked. He gave me a couple of weird excuses, and then asked what I was doing the rest of the evening. I slowly realized he was back just to see me. I'm sure some of his reasons played into his actual return, but I spent only one hour apart from him that evening, and today he's driving all the way back to Chicago. I realize that even though I try not to be, sometimes I'm very irrational too.
Where do I begin? Matt and I aren't fighting. We aren't mad at each other. He's not annoyed me. I haven't annoyed him.
But something is agitating me about "us." I have no idea what. He's in Chicago all week for a conference. He left Friday. I saw him Friday. Nothing went wrong during it. I kissed him goodbye. He told me I could stay in his apartment whenever my roommate was driving me crazy. I laughed and said "every night?" He laughed and said "Sure why not?" Then he went away.
I talked to him last night. We had a good conversation. He gave me a hard time, I gave him one. After I got off the phone, I couldn't sit in his apartment any more. I have no idea why. I just felt like I needed to be independent and away. This is the worse feeling I've ever had in regards to a significant other. I'm not mad. I'm not worried. I don't think he's cheating on me. I don't think he wants to break up. I don't think he's unhappy.
I'm 24. I'm dating a man who will turn 28 in May. Not that big of deal, 4 years is not a huge gap. Most of my friends are 18 to 22, so 28, big deal. So they were kidding me the other night about it. I pointed out it was only a 4 year gap, and one of my friends (who has known me the longest) pointed out that "Matt must be second youngest you've dated."
I laughed, until I realized she was only smiling. She gave me a smile that jerked in the corner and in her amusement said, "Older men make better lovers right?"
So now I'm sitting here, folding laundry, and thinking about the men I have dated. Freshman year.... Jason... he turned 30 in February. Wait.. lets back up. High school... Jason... he turned 28 this past year. High school... Daniel... he turned 27... ok.. not too bad. High school... Danny... he turned 32.... ok... back on track. Sophomore year.... Andrew... 35 this year.... ok, theory is forming. End of sophomore year.... Seth... 23!!!! ok, well... that one lasted all of two months... does that count? Junior year... The Ex... 29 this year....geez... And GH... who is 23 also... but that one lasted only 2 months too... And then Matt... like I said.. 28 in May.
Ok, so maybe the saying is true, Older men = better lovers. And now, you have a complete play by play of my sex life. All 8 of them, the high school Jason I never slept with
I don't know if anyone reading this blog has received a PhD, but from what I can see of it, it's a LOT of work. Matt has a prelim in April, and he has a deadline on April 1 to turn in a Journal article so it can be published. Next week he's away at a conference all week to try and get a good spot for his post-doc.
AKA, Matt is stressed out.
While Tuesday was a good day between us, I didn't call him at all on Wednesday. I knew he'd be working. I did send him an e-mail that said "Hey I appreciate you taking time from working on Tuesday to be with me," but Matt knew I didn't need a response and he didn't send one. Yesterday I sent another e-mail about a movie I thought he and I should see once he was done with everything. I sent it that morning, and I hadn't heard anything by 5 that evening. "Probably busy," I thought. After a phone call to my mom and the fight I had during it, I grew weak and decided to call him. No answer. I wasn't mad or anything, so whatever, just a little sad he was so busy. He called back around 5:30, and we talked briefly, he told me he was done with everything and that he had worked till 4 am on Wednesday and got it all done at once. I was happy for him. I asked him what he was doing the rest of the evening, and he said "Nothing, just watching TV." I asked if I could stop by, and he said "Sure." I came by around 9 because from 6 to 9 I was busy trying to make my sink drain again. The dumb bitch decided that filling cups and ash trays weren't enough for her, and threw mounds of cigarette butts down my garbage disposal too. Words cannot express my anger. I told him the story, and he looked so weary. I rubbed his back, and watched once show with him and after that he passed out. I sat for awhile watching the second show, and I was planning on leaving after that even though he had gotten a pillow out for me, and had a healthy share of the blankets on my side of the bed. He suddenly woke up. Scared the hell out of me. He just SAT UP. Reminded me of this:
Anyway, I told him I was leaving and that if he had time I'd like to hang out with him tomorrow. He grunted, and rolled over, and I tucked him in, set the sleep timer on the TV, and tucked the remote in next to him. I think that was the first night in a long time, he got to sleep before 11. I hate stress.
My roommate's dirty snatch... ID the cockblocker.... The Tuesday from Hell, that managed to end well.
QSW is angry. That's the first step to getting on the right track. Next step, booze.
The months of January and February I barely lived at my apartment. Now its March, and I'm living in my apartment more because Matt is trying to write a paper due by April 2nd. I live with RHM. They say don't live with your friends, but when my New Zealander roommate moved out suddenly, I didn't have many options. RHM is the DIRTIEST GIRL I HAVE EVER SEEN. I feel as if I'm choking back uncontrollable sobbing right now. I'm not a neat freak. My room always gets out of hand at points, and usually after about a 30 minute work session, it's spic and span. I worked on my LIVING ROOM and KITCHEN yesterday. 3 HOURS LATER, they were to the point of "livable." This girl is so gross. I'll start with the living room. RHM smokes in our living room. While that is disgusting enough, she has a nasty habit of putting her cigarettes out IN GLASSES SHE'S PREVIOUSLY DRANK OUT OF. So, yea, glass is half full, why not put a cigarette out in it? After my 23 cup I found of that nature, I was fuming. She was sleeping during this. Then I started picking up objects of ours. I had 4 pieces of mail and a laptop. I cannot even begin to count the amount of junk she had there. But when it came to her shoes I lost it. 6 pairs in the living room. I snapped a little at this point and started HURLING THEM DOWN THE HALLWAY HITTING THE CLOSET RIGHT OUTSIDE OF HER BEDROOM. There's more, but all those things would just seem petty. Then I started on the kitchen. Most of the dishes were filled... WITH ROTTING FOOD. They'd probably been there since January for all I know. I started the fifth trash bag for that day. At some point she decided to get her FAT LARD ASS OUT OF BED. So she came into the living room and commented on how nice it looked. She promptly sat down and lit up. I told her no more glasses with cigarettes in them. She said "Ok." As she sat there smoking she said "Oh, yea, some of those dishes had mold in them, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I just ran them through the dishwasher." I paused. I opened the dishwasher and in it were the plates and bowls AND ALL THE MOLDY FOOD THAT SHE DECIDED NOT TO CLEAN OUT!! I emptied the racks, grabbed a paper towel, and started scooping out the food. She didn't say anything, just sat there... blowing smoke in my direction. At that point I had several ways of killing her cooked up in my head. I thought the most satisfying would be a repeated stabbing 80 or 90 times. At this point, I had to leave, and since it was 5 in the evening, I thought dinner was appropriate. I left without talking to her, and picked up Matt's vacuum which I had borrowed. I drove it to his house, told him what had happened and he was throughly grossed out. "Why don't you and ID go out for a drink, and as soon as this section is done, I'll join you?" he inquired. GOOOOOOOOODDDD IDEEEEAAAAA. I ate and then called ID. ******************************************************************* ID and I had had one drink by the time Matt got out with us. No worries, I had only gone off the deep end once stating that maybe it was a good idea to lay out twinkies in a line to the Owen Hall's electrical room and RHM could follow them and it would lead to her demise. It would leave me with two months before anyone would notice her. ID thought it was funny and sick at the same time. I agree with him now. Matt came out and the games began. We had a really good time to begin with. I had told ID and Matt that I was only going to have two. I had two and a half, and the two of them were still going strong. Matt chose at that point to bring up the "Phone throwing incident." I got kind of frustrated and told him that I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do to make him feel better about it. I guess he suddenly regretted doing it, because he immediately said "I know, I can honestly see how you got confused and thought I was doing something I shouldn't have been. I just like giving you a hard time about it." I felt better at that point then I had for most of the day. I immediately had visions of going home with him and showing him how happy I was he said that. ID kept on drinking. Normally out of the two of us, ID watches what everyone is doing and makes sure everyone can get home. Tonight, he apparently didn't care. Finally at 12:45, I mentioned going home. ID said, "Cool, I'm sleeping on your couch tonight." ARGH! I said goodbye to Matt, and started walking home with ID. We got to my apartment, and my roommate had decided to invite friends over because the apartment was so nice and clean for her. So ID decided to sleep ON MY FLOOR, IN MY ROOM. Unless I'm sleeping with someone, I like my room to be empty of anyone other than me. I didn't like the idea of hearing him snore through the night and me tripping over him on the way to the bathroom. I was so frustrated at this point, words could not describe the pain. I text messaged Matt, and he answered saying he had just gotten home. I got up, put on my coat, grabbed my purse and keys and walked my ass over to Matt's apartment. He answered, surprised and concerned. "Did something happen?" he looked worried. "No, nothing is wrong, ID is sleeping on my floor, RHM is fucking in my clean apartment, and I love my friends." I said. Matt smiled, pulled me into his apartment, kissed me, went and got me food and more booze, and then he and I had sex until 3 am before falling asleep curled up together.
Wade Steffey was found with all his personal belongings. The 50 dollars he got out of the ATM and all. The door to the outside of the building was apparently unlocked. For how long, no one knows.
The man was just trying to get inside for a booty call.
And I promise this is my last post on the subject.
So as it turns out there was no foul play. My brother was questioned about what happened over Spring Break, but there was no need.
Wade Steffey, searching for his jacket in Owen, somehow got into a room that was locked, and electrocuted himself. ELECTROCUTED HIMSELF. Then, for the last TWO MONTHS, he's been cooking in a room that is naturally at 100 degrees in the winter. Apparently when people began their search for them, they checked that room. They opened the door, yelled "heeeelllllloooo" and shut it, without bothering to enter the room.... .....Cause the room is dangerous and you could possible ELECTROCUTE yourself.
I love American's attitudes. When 9/11 happened to us, we automatically assumed that the people piloting planes into our buildings were JEALOUS of what we have... ...because you know, when I see a girl with a cute boy that I want for myself, my natural thing would be to stab him and her and then myself.
Same attitude with Wade Steffey. "How could a straight A student who had honors and a full scholarship have anything happen to him?" Of course, there must be foul play here. Straight A students would never walk into a high powered electrical closet and ELECTROCUTE themselves.
I'm sorry, I might seem unkind. I do feel bad for him and his family. I know it is a tragic loss, and I feel truely sad when I hear his parents talking about what a relief it was to find their son dead or alive. But the rest of my campus can go to hell with their attitudes. Even after the evidence is presented, most the students still believe that he was killed and put there to make it seem like an accident. BAH.
They found him, dead, in a security closet, IN MY BROTHER'S DORM.
So creepy.
Apparently, that dorm in particular (outside the dorm was where he was last seen) was searched completely including that closet when he turned up missing.
So over Spring Break, someone got the body, moved it TO THAT DORM, and set him in a security closet.
The real creepy thing... the only people that have keys to that closet are maintenance people and RA's.
My brother is an RA, for that dorm, who worked over Spring Break... he's now a suspect.
The night had some postive, or worth mentioning moments. GH and Matt kissed. Neither one of them is a guy who does that. In fact, I don't know any guys except FN who do that. Still, it was horrifying, especially since Matt doesn't know that I dated GH. That one will bite me one of these days.
I kissed GH's girlfriend as a joke because of what GH and Matt did. Which is also weird because its my brother's ex girlfriend.
Matt and I just MADE OUT at the bars. We do NOT do that. In fact, while we are out most people couldn't tell that we were dating. We don't talk only to each other, we don't normally sit by each other, we don't hold hands... we are a pleasant couple to be around, normally.
What made it horrible though, was me. Sigh. I'm still kicking myself on this. I still feel like running around and telling everyone "That wasn't me! I swear! I had a weak moment! I had 3/4th a pitcher of green beer, 4 shots, a white russian, and a captain and coke! I WAS WASTED!!"
It won't matter. Most will agree with me. I'm normally not like that. I'm a level-headed girl. Honest.
What I did, was because of many thing that happened over the last few weeks. One: The afternoon that Matt's parents came, I was in his apartment. His phone started ringing, saying "Dawn" was calling. I e-mailed him to tell him he forgot his phone, but said nothing about who Dawn was.
Two: I freaked out about pictures on Matt's computer recently. He had a folder of pictures marked "Dawn and Company" and it showed a picture of him and an attractive girl sitting together and then another group shot of everyone.
Three: When were getting ready to leave, we were joking, and Matt says something like "call him" and tosses his phone at me. I press "talk" cause thats what I do with my phone to get to someone's number and it showed me that the last person he called was "Dawn." I made a comment, he said she was a friend of his, I made some snide comment like "ex-girlfriend, friend?" and he said no, and I said, "I thought that was the picture of the girl on your computer?" He said, "No, I don't have any pictures of her on my computer." I said nothing after that.
You can already see where I'm going with this, but I'll continue.
Four: The last straw, and at least I waited to be an asshole and we were away from everyone, but the last straw was the worst straw. We get back to his place at 3 am. 333333333333 aaaaaaaammmmmmm. I want to stress that. I was wasted. WASTED! We sit down to eat something, and he gets up to go get ME a glass of water... I'm such an asshole, I just remembered that little detail... And the phone, his phone, next to me, started to ring. "Dawn calling..." was what it read. Oh god. I'm so sorry I'm really not an asshole all the time. And I picked up the phone, he turned to me to ask who it was, and I said "Dawn's calling" and flung it at him. I cringe typing that.
What happened next was a long fight until 4 am. He had every right to be mad.
One: Dawn has known Matt for 15 years. Two: Dawn is not his ex-girlfriend like he said. Three: She's not even in the pictures, in the folder, with her name on it. I just love MySpace proving me wrong. Four: It was St. Patty's day and Matt and Dawn are Irish. Gee, doesn't take a genius to figure out that the childhood friends would call each other. Five: I'm an asshole, and I swear I would have thought a lot better if I had not been wasted.
Matt and I for the first time slept in separate beds in the same apartment. This morning when we got up, we talked some more, and I think he finally forgave me.
Then... oh god... I left... and my car wouldn't start... because it was out of gas. So I had to walk.... back to his apartment...and ask for his help. Which he was fucking Prince Charming about... ...Only making the misery worse for me.
I, in the year I've been dating him, have never done anything like that. And I'm so horrifed I did.
I've come to the conclusion that I am like a Golden Retriever.
Golden Retrievers by nature would lick someone to death if gotten the chance. They are very quick, and smart to learn what they can get away with. When they are bad, they slink away in such a way that the owner becomes completely guilty and within 4 or 5 minutes is ready to completely forgive.
Golden Retrievers will actually let someone they love sink their teeth into their ears or tail (I know because at two I apparently did this), all they'll do is wimper. They'll love you immediately afterwards if you rub their stomach. They are content to play a game of fetch. They are content to eat. They are content to be left alone. They are content to take a nap at your feet.
So for those of you who missed it, yesterday was Steak and Blow Job day. I bet there are a couple of you slapping your forehead right now thinking "Crap, I totally forgot!" Matt didn't quite get Steak and a Blow job. He got a porno-style BJ, but his tooth is cracked, so he got a Gyros instead. He wasn't complaining though. For those of you ladies out there that forgot to give your significant other a steak and blow job... the great thing about men, you can always do it the day after and they'll still forgive you.
The last two weekends Matt has gone to Chicago. The first weekend he came back, something had changed, he tried to break up with me. The second weekend he came back and was REALLY happy and excited to see me.
So he doesn't know I freaked out about the pictures. He probably won't ever know unless he manages to find this blog again.
Monday after the attempted break up, I was shaky on the inside. Tuesday the feeling died down. By Thursday I was feeling happy again. Friday, I was ready to let him go back to Chicago even though the last time he went he came back very removed from me. He has two kinds of friends. Those that are married, and those that will probably remain single the rest of their lives... by choice. I think he has a very skewed picture of life and happiness because of that. So it was Tuesday evening. I had decided not to call Matt that evening. If he called, fine, if not, fine.
He called around 8:30 saying he wanted to hang out with me and that he had just gotten in. I said ok. I came over and he grabbed me, kissed me hard, and said, "You have got to be the best girlfriend ever." Talk about bi-polarness.
I went from being dumped last Monday to being the best girlfriend ever the next Tuesday. Anyway, he thanked me profusely for cleaning the apartment, looked genuinely concerned when I told him what the nightmare entailed, and then took me out to eat (he wouldn't allow me to pay at all... again). On the way back we picked up a bottle of booze and Casino Royale to watch. After that was done, he sat me on his lap and we looked at randomness on the internet for a hour or so. Finally I told him I had to go to bed. At 6:30 in the morning, he woke me up and he had porn playing on the TV. He was definitely turned on, and I was definitely in a bad mood. For about 5 minutes I was a complete bitch to him because he woke me up.
I hadn't been getting a lot of sleep because: A.) I had been worried about the healthiness of our relationship and whether or not I should have talked him out of breaking up. B.) I've had an ear infection
So there I was, after being awakened by a horny boyfriend (who was realizing quickly how wrong he was for waking me), watching some Indian girl sucking cock, and feeling particularly sad because I knew I wasn't going to be able to fall right back into that peaceful sleep. Thats when it struck me. We had had sex the week before....but only twice, and both times it seemed as if we were doing it to prove to each other that we really did care, "making love" if you will. I hadn't had just regular-let's-have-fun-and-do-it sort of sex in almost two weeks. While "making love" is important, "fucking" is also equally important to me to be happy in a relationship. And here he was, wanting me, like the Indian girl who wanted the cock in her mouth (she said it, not me). "Oh sod it." I said. He got out a "What?" before I tackled him and covered his mouth with mine.
At 7:30 in the morning, when the dawn was breaking and the porn was ending, I curled up with him one happy woman.
First reason I was crazy: I got in a fight with my mother earlier that day. Followed by trying to call Matt but I got no answer. Followed by feeling lonely and walking into his apartment (he doesn't care that I go there). Followed by surfing the net and deciding to save a picture I found, which popped up the "save where" box, to which opened into his "my pictures" area, to which I saw pictures of his ex girlfriend there. Followed by going to the folder itself and finding three sets of ex-girlfriend pictures: First, a picture of him and his ex which I had seen that had just called him recently Second, a picture of him and another of his exs who still stops by unannounced and calls him a lot. Third, about 20 pictures of another ex naked.
I realized I was being psychotic when picture set 3 didn't even phase me, and in fact, I didn't even care when I saw them, she was hot, I don't blame him. Also, picture set 1 I had seen before(he showed me), I just hadn't a name to go with it and I'd be a damn hypocrite if I got mad because she had just recently called him. No, the only thing that bothered me in my interrogation of his privacy was the picture set number 2. I thought about how retarded I was being. I knew that if I had asked to see what his ex-girlfriends had looked like, he would have happily sat down at this computer and showed me all the pictures I had just seen (even the naked ones, I know it sounds crazy). I trusted him, but in my weakened state I decided to flip out. I'm chalking it up to it just being a bad day. I called him 3 times that day from the hours of 3pm till 11:30pm. At 11:30, he picked up, well actually he hit ignore on me, sending me to his voice mail, and then called me right back apologizing for his butter fingers. I talked to him for 10 - 15 minutes (about none of the above, girlfriends, my parents, etc.) and then felt better once I got off the phone.
I felt a bit crazy, nonetheless.
Second reason I was crazy (I've bet you've forgotten there was two): I got home around 11:30ish last night. After talking to Matt and feeling a sort of relief (remember I still had had a fight with the parents) I felt I needed a drink. RHM went and made me one, and it was strong. 15 minutes and a half an drink later, she came to the door and told me she was going to her fuck-buddy's apartment to get laid. I said ok and promptly finished of my drink of Jack and Coke and made myself another one. At 1:30ish I was happy. Slap happy. So happy that when RHM came home from getting laid and she asked if I wanted to go to Denny's I jumped up from my bed, ran around her several times and chanted 'Denny's' like I was routing for the home team. I called FN and he said he'd meet us there. We got into the car (RHM was driving cause I definitely could NOT) and her 80's mix cd was in. I cannot tell you in words the happiness felt upon hearing "Jesse's Girl" come on the CD, nor can I tell you how hard RHM was laughing while trying to drive. But I can tell you that I injured my hand while "dancing" to it, and RHM had genuine tears rolling down her face from laughing so hard. We got to Denny's. I don't remember what I said, what happened, how many cheese fries I ate, or how loud I was, but I promise I was annoying to anyone around us. FN thought it was the best thing he'd ever done at 2 am in his life. After the food arrived FN and RHM took bets on how fast the alcohol would wear off from my blood stream. They were both wrong. On the way home RHM saw my renditions of "I wear my sunglasses at night," "Jesse's girl,(again)" and "Take me on." When I got home I felt a little crazy so I laid down, and that was the last thing I remembered until this morning.
So, Matt is in Chicago. RHM who I live with is acting bitchy. MM and MW have lots of baby stuff to do. ID is out of town. Wait, most of campus is out of town (spring break).
Saturday night, I was bored.
Since I know the code to Matt's apartment, and I wanted to stay the hell away from RHM, I went there after eating dinner with MM and MW. I just wanted to watch movies and be alone.
I grabbed a bag of Oreos and a half gallon of milk and curled up on his futon and turned on the TV. I had told him I might stay at his apartment before he left, and I told him that I'd do his dishes for him as a thank you. That seemed like a good trade to him. Around 12ish, I grew tired. I fell asleep. At 5 am I woke up from perhaps one of the worst nightmares I've ever had. Let's just say there were talking cut-off heads in my dream. I have no idea how my mind came up with the horror I saw in my dream. It was worse than any scary movie I've seen.
Anyway.
After cooling off from the heated sweat I was in, I realized I was in a weird state. I was too tired to drive, but there was no chance I was going back to sleep. I had to wake up, because I was terrified to go back to sleep. I started doing dishes... After they were done I still didn't want to sleep. I started picking up the living room... After it was picked up and vacuumed, I still didn't want to sleep. I started cleaning the bathroom sink... After the bathroom sink was cleaned, the floor was cleaned, the toliet was cleaned, and all the dirty laundry had been removed and put in its appropriate place...
In case you are one of the few who read my blog and have never experimented in bed, anal sex can be fun.
If you are innocent, that might seem disturbing, if your not, then you probably will agree even if you don't comment.
Matt and I watched a porn recently where they did that. He and I tried it afterwards. It was nice.
Last night we got drunk together and then had some "alone" time when he's friends left.
Maybe he was really drunk, or maybe I was misreading him, but when I curled up next to him, his back to me, instead of letting the foreplay happen in the front, he kept moving my hand to his ass.
Now, this is a man who says things like "Nothing enters that whole, it's exit only."
Imagine my surprise.
At first I didn't do anything, and then I rubbed the part of the male anatomy right underneath the balls. He seemed to enjoy that. I rolled him over, and went down on him.
Once, a long time ago, a boyfriend of mine loved to get blow jobs while I was, for lack of better words, sticking a finger in his ass. I wondered. I tried it with Matt. He seemed to really enjoy it. And he definitely didn't stop me. Eventually, that led to sex, and 20-30 minutes later we were both in the shower together.
He says, "That was so wrong!" Confused I inquired what he meant. He told me he felt dirty because I had given him a blow job in that fashion. Ok. One, he got rock hard after I started doing that. Two, he didn't stop me at all.
I pointed this out. And I added, "Don't worry I won't tell anyone." "Dirty," was all he said.
So i'm sort of keeping my promise. I'm not telling anyone he knows. But damn, I had to tell someone how silly men are.
MM, MW, steak, and a bottle of wine (for MM and myself).
So right now... its 57 degrees.
57 Indiana weather is soooooo screwed up. It snowed a foot and a half 2 weeks ago.
I called MarriedWoman today and invited myself over to her house. This might sound like an inconsiderate thing to do, but she's got it in her head that since she can't go to the bars, I don't want to hang out with her. She's pregnant, she doesn't have a weird disease. When I hung out with her last weekend, she called me the next day and thanked me 20 times for coming over and spending time with her and giving up my time out at the bars. While I like alcohol, I'm not in love with the bars. I have no idea why she got this notion into her head that I would rather sit in a bar, then spend time with her. When we were really close before she went and got herself knocked up, we went out to the bars every once in awhile. I don't want to go every Saturday.
So back to the story. She got really excited when I told her that I was bringing over meat and a bottle of wine, and that MarriedMan was going to cook for us. She said, "Wonderful! You guys take the meat, and I'll drink the wine!" Ha. She asked if we should invite Brad and Katie over.
Brad and Katie.Where do I begin? Katie is a sweet girl, but she's a girl, she hasn't really grown up yet. MW and I are both 24 going on 25, and Katie, is a new 21 year old.
Brad is an asshole. I hate him. He obviously has a crush on me, and he flirts with me like a 2nd grader right in front of his girlfriend. On top of that he likes to play games with her head.
Katie and Brad have broken up more times than Ike and Tina. *She's living with him right now, and he'll come home and say something like "I'm sorry things had to be this way, but I'm ready to break up." Which will send her in a frenzied, sobbing, packing up, and moving out escapade.By the time the clock strikes 9, they will be back together and as happy as ever.
**I invited both of them to the Pimp and Ho party. He came, and told her to stay at home because he wanted to check out the girls that would be there and he needed a ride home anyway. So she was to sit by the phone and wait for his call.She did.
***Last weekend they came over and ate with us.After they left, MM asked what it was that MW and I didn't like about Brad.I did a fantastic wine-induced comparison Brad and MM to Lennie and George, respectively.MM laughed so hard at my impression of Brad as Lennie that wine squirted out of his nose.
There was a long pause on the phone as I was considering her question. I said, "Nah...." She let out a sigh of relief and agreed.
Matt and I have a running joke about booty calls ever since this night happened, after we had broken up.
Wednesday my eye went crazy. It turned red (it's done it before, and I've had to go to the hospital) and it was throbbing, and I was worried. I sent Matt an e-mail asking if he was going to be working late, because if he was, then I could call him first if I needed to go to the hospital again. Matt didn't get the e-mail till almost 7pm, and after he got it, I got two e-mails back, and 45 text messages about how he thinks we should go now. It was sweet how worried he was.
Yesterday I sent Matt an e-mail. This asked him for an hour of his time that evening. It was a booty e-mail, he just assumed it was something about needing to go to the drug store for pain relief.
I came over, and my eye was 100% better. He noticed immediately. Then asked what the hour was for. I started to unbutton his shirt. His eye brow raised and then he said, "I thought we only didn't booty calls over text messaging, not e-mail." "I don't play by the rules," I joked back.
45 minutes later, we were putting clothes back on. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "A little, for some reason I'm craving Thai food." I said. Matt and I get food together all the time, we always go dutch, because I don't like the feeling of one sex paying for everything and one sex sitting pretty. So we went to the Thai restaurant. He got up to get a box for me at the end of the meal, and sneaked over and paid for the meal. We walked back to his apartment and I thanked him for doing so. He just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
It was one of the only times that I've felt bad for a booty call, and good about someone else paying.
Reading the post below this is a better idea before reading this one, but this one was a story in itself.
RHM and I got out to Harry's around 10ish. There were a ton of people there. Most of the crowd were men, age range from 30 to 60. NOT at all normal for Harry's. RHM quickly informed me of a conference that her father had gone too today and she believed that all these people were from that conference.
Ugh.
We found a spot and sat down in it. We had almost finished our first drink when two men slid there chairs over to us and asked us to dance. "What?!" I said. Harry's was not a dancing bar. The man slapped the table next to him and said "Right here on this table." I started laughing and exclaiming no repeatedly. He offered a hundred bucks. I definitely said no. The left us alone momentarily. RHM quickly pulled out a fake diamond ring and slid it on her wedding hand. "That's not going to work," I said, "I bet all these men are already married themselves." She looked horrified. "They're harmless," I assured her "But if you really get offended you can always tell them about your father working with them tomorrow morning."
Marvin Gaye came on the jukebox and the lyrics of "Let's get it on" flowed out. Two things happened. One... the man bringing the drinks to us, picked up his flirting with me three notches. He came by with our drinks and started singing the song to me. I laughed and smiled, as I said, it was harmless. Two... one of the men, who had asked us early to dance, stood up after the waiter left and walked over to me. "Once around the floor, sweetheart," he cooed, "then I won't bother you the rest of the night." Honestly, if RHM hadn't been freaked out next to me I probably would have. He was 55 or 60, he looked like someone's grandpa, and honestly he just wanted to dance with a pretty girl. He reminded me of Frank Sinatra and the 1950's. He had grabbed both of my arms during his speech and was trying to get me to stand up. RHM looked like if she had Mace she would have used it. Silly girl. "No no no," I said, "I'm really sorry, I have two left feet and I don't want to kill someone in the process of us dancing." He let go in mock disappointment. He turned to RHM. "Oh NO," I thought. RHM without missing a beat said, "Hey, I think my father meets with you guys in the morning, are you with the Roads group?" RHM has no tact. I felt sorry for the man, but like I said, they left us alone the rest of the night.
We got a table soon after and moved to it, NG and ID showed up a few minutes after and Matt a few minutes after that. First thing, the waiter came around to get drinks. He was obviously flirting with me. He left to go get the drinks. Matt turns to me and said "That guy wants to date you!" "I know," I said, "He's been flirting with me all evening, but he's not the worst one here." I told him about the other men.
The rest of the night Matt tried every opportunity to let the guy know that we were dating. It was humorous to see him go from "Let's break up" to "I'm so damn jealous." RHM and I were the only ones laughing. I don't think Matt realized he did it.
I should have stated this before, but I think the first thing to go in a relationship that's having problems is the sex. It had been a week and a half since Matt and I had done anything together. He said he was stressed out, I thought it was me. It might have been both.
We got back to his place and I asked him again if it was alright that I was here. He assured me that he wanted me here because it was I that was going to get him out of bed in the morning. I laughed at that. He started talking about ex girlfriends for some reason. Mostly about how insane they were. Not my sort of conversation. Finally after listening to him for 20 minutes I said "ENOUGH." He pointed out that I had talked about my ex's before and it wasn't fair that he couldn't talk about his. Laughing, I told him that I had literally heard every story he told me. He might not remember telling me it, but he had. I added more details to three of the stories that he had left out this time around to prove my point. "I'm going to have to use my pimp hand on you," he said and then moved his hand mockingly to my face. I threw him backwards and landed on him to prove that I was craftier. And in two seconds, suddenly we were kissing each other. Hard. Clothes came flying off. He was holding me so tightly I could barely breath, but I didn't dare say anything. It was quick and it was intense, but it was exactly what we both needed. We curled up afterwards, had he had his arm firmly around my stomach for most of the night.
Tuesday morning was horrible for me. Two things had happened. One, at 2 am my toilet exploded. Two, last night I almost had no Matt.
At 8am, I walked towards my bathroom and when my feet hit the wet carpeting I stopped short. "Fuck!" I thought to myself. I had only vaguely remembered RHM waking me up, telling me what happened, and asking if she could use some of my towels. Looking about my bathroom I realized I could not use the restroom here, and I could not shower here because of the massive amounts of towels draining in the bathtub. In fact, come to think of it, I had no towels, they were all currently being used.
"This, might be the end of us." I thought, because I realized my only option was to take a shower at Matt's place, or drive all the way out to where ID works, grab a key, drive all the way back, shower, then drive back out there to return the key. Grumbling to myself, I packed up and drove over there. When he opened the door I shoved coffee into his hand and said, "Toilet is exploded, please let me shower here, I'll drive you to work and get you coffee." "How many coffees are you going to get me?" he said smiling. I told him what had happened and he told me I knew where everything was and that I should hop in because he had already heated it for me. I said a silent prayer to myself that he was so understanding after the horrible night before.
I went to class, and then went to the office. When I started working I started getting really depressed. At 3pm Matt and I had originally planned to go to see Mark Zupan speak. We had seen the movie Murderball together and had been excited about seeing Mark live. Now, I wasn't sure. Nonetheless, I sent him an e-mail at 2:15 telling him that it was at 3 if he was still interested. On top of that I had talked to FN who watched me cry when I told him what was going on. RHM and ID had heard the stories tearless from me, but for some reason telling it to FN made the tears follow again. I was feeling really down. At 2:45 I hadn't heard back from Matt, and I went to the speech without him, in one final attempt I called him, but I got no answer. Oh well I thought. I watched the speech and the man had an amazing tale. Afterwards I was feeling really down until I stood up, turned around, and saw Matt at the back of the audience waving at me. My spirits lifted. I walked with him talking about the speech. I felt a lot better. When we got to the door, I had to go one way, and he the other. I said, "Thanks for coming," and smiled. He asked me what I was doing later. I told him I had a meeting until 8. He asked if I wanted to come over at that point and watch the episode of 24 that we had missed together. I agreed. I walked downstairs found FN, and kissed him as hard as I could. He smiled and said, "Things looking up?" I was so happy I thought I was going to cry, of happiness, and not sadness.
I came over and we watched 24. During it he stroked my hair.
Afterwards I knew he had to go back to work. I got up and started putting my shoes on when he got a call. I knew that RHM wanted to meet me for a drink so I called her while he was talking. She agreed to meet me at Harry's in 20min. He got off the phone and I said, "Just so we don't make the same mistake, I thought I should warn you I'm going to Harry's." I didn't want to end up at the same bar... again. "I think I'm joining you then." he said. "Oh NO!" I said "You don't want me to come?" he said.
It was then that I realized that he meant, "I'll be joining you at your table" and not "I'm going to be joining you at the same bar."
"No no no," I explained my mistake "I want you to come out with us." "Ok good, I'll join you at 11ish." he said smiling. Tuesday evening was NOT bad at all.
For 15 minutes last night Matt and I broke up. I quietly excused myself, and walked to his bathroom. And cried for 10 of those minutes.
At minute 10, I walked out and he was sitting there looking like he had just witnessed a death. TV muted. Just staring. When I approached his area, he asked "Are you ok?" I could feel the tears welling again and said "FUCK!" really loud. The corner of his mouth twitched and I did a sort of sob-laugh. "I hate the fact that I can't just sit and have a conversation with you and not cry... damn estrogen" I said.
Matt was scared of commitment. I had seen it before and that is why I broke it off with him originally. I didn't see it this time and he was doing the breaking up. He had gotten too deep into "us" and got completely petrified, and being a man, instead of talking about it and finding out if I was in a similar boat, assumed the worst and decided to break up.... that evening. Well, I was in a similar boat. And I told him that. He looked sceptical. I said, "Matt, you know I know how you feel, I've broken up with you before. I regretted it. It sucked. I thought, 'I have no right to call him, I did the breaking up, I deal with it.'" Matt said, "Ya I know, it sucked for me too, Remember??" I looked at him and said, "Well, I'll let you know this, you are going to be a little sad today, and probably the rest of the week, then you are going to get busy with work, and at some point 2 weeks later or maybe 3, you'll suddenly be bored one night, and at that point, you won't be able to call me." He got really quiet and was just staring at me. "You can do this," I said "And I'll walk out that door for the last time (tears were welling, and I quickly regained control) or you can believe me when I say that I really am ok with not seeing you ever night of the week. That I can be apart from you, even for a week at a time. And I won't be upset about it."
"Well," he said, "If you want to try it for awhile and see how it goes..." He was hesitant, and so was I, but at this point I had already seen him walk away once, and I wasn't ready to do it again. "We'll see how it goes," I said and smiled.
We quickly changed the subject and I started joking about how crazy he had driven me in the last two weeks. "I went out with RHM one night and just bitched for 20 minutes about your ego," I said "It's like your invisible friend that follows you around." Pretending to be horribly offended, he dropped his mouth open. I curled up next to him. "I'm going to be super clingy for the next 15 minutes." I said. "I'm giving you 11 after that comment." he retorted.
When it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?
It’s a Carrie question.
I watched an episode of Sex and the City last night, and that question was popped. I started thinking… I talked to MW on Saturday evening when Matt was in Chicago. She started crying (she’s pregnant, tears come easy) when she heard about the fight, she was worried that one or the other was going to dump the other. I assured her I wasn’t. When I got home, I wondered about Matt’s end. I texted him and got confirmation that he wasn’t thinking about it. Still, I knew something wasn’t right between us, I didn’t know if it was on my end or his. My end, when something wasn’t right, I bolt and tear away faster than a crack whore in front of the cops.
Maybe I wasn’t right. I’ve already done this once, and regretted it. Should I wait until he dumps me? Should I wait and get hurt? I’ve been hurt enough, in fact, I’d rather ruin something wonderful, to not get hurt.
Tonight I went out with RHM and ID. ID and RHM both agree that I have complete control of the situation. What that means I have no idea… I KNOW that Matt isn’t tied to me, because if he was I would have dumped him like I did GH. No, I can’t deal with a guy wrapped around my finger. So I asked. ID and RHM agreed that if I knew things weren’t going right, that I’d dump him long before I got hurt. In fact, they said that both were expecting me to dump him now.
Wow.
One fight, that ended in me getting hurt and I was suppose to dump him. What does that say about me?
I looked at both ID and RHM. ID and RHM had never been in a relationship that had lasted more than 2 months.
In fact, because of that, they had both seen a similarity in each other that made them want to fuck each other on a long term basis.
IN FACT, they were long term fuck buddies, probably the best relationship they’ll ever be in.
I turned to my brother, who was sitting with us. “You know,” I said to him, “Matt wants to kick your ass for slapping me at Pimp and Ho the other night.” (long story, but my brother slapped me and didn’t mean it, brother and sister stuff) “I know, “ he said to me, “He’s kind of right about it, and I shouldn’t have slapped you.”
One: My brother never apologizes like that. Two: My brother has never said anything remotely nice about a boyfriend of mine since “The EX” Three: I realized that Matt really did care, and I was an idiot and being a girl.
My brother saved me from my head that evening. My heart was scared, but my head beat it into submission.
Firstly, I should state that Matt does not consider this a fight.
To which I replied: "If we ever non-fight more than that, I'm dumping you."
To which he laughed heartedly and grabbed me pulled me to his shoulder and kissed my forehead. I've already dumped him once, I'm not quite sure why he finds that funny.
Anyway, I've decided that men are retarded. I'm sorry. I've decided that the men I date are retarded.
When they come around, I drop my knickers faster than you can say Beavis and Butthead.
I bet you're curious on why.... I could say my gene pool is shallow, or that my childhood environment was poor But those aren't true. Apparently, I LOVE drama. RHM and ID have confirmed that I'm a magnet for it. I turn the corner, and the drama races towards me. I digress.
On Monday evening, I was invited... wait, ON Sunday evening I was invited over to Matt's apartment for MONDAY evening.
...On Monday evening, I asked him if it was ok if I studied in his apartment on Tuesday (he was gone at a Pacers game) because my apartment had a roommate. There was a BRIEF hesitant look, before he said, "Sure that's fine." I immediately added, "No, maybe studying in the coffee shop is better for me." He said, "No, it's really busy down there, it's better if you study here."
Tuesday evening, he arrives home. I got a vibe that wasn't quite right. He told me about his dad, I thought that might be it. I asked, "Are you irritated that I'm over here a lot? Because you are starting to get on my nerves. " He laughed, and said it was SLIGHTLY bothering him, but not enough that I should worry. I told him that Wednesday night I would do my thing and he should do his thing. He agreed.
Wednesday night came around.
I got done with a test, and felt like a drink, ID and RHM agreed to meet me at the bar. Matt got off work around the same time, called his friend, and told him to meet him at the bar. It was ironically the same bar. There were a lot of jokes and whatnot.
He told me he was going to Chicago for the weekend, something that was announced to me at the bar. I asked if it was ok for me to spend time with him tonight because tomorrow(thursday) he was working all evening and then he was leaving for Chicago after that. It would have been Monday before I would see him again. I told him if it wasn't a good night for him, no big deal. He said, "Sure, and bring Taco Bell when you come."
His friend and I walked to the restaurant and then to his apartment.
We chatted and I found that even though I started out disliking this particular friend of his, I had grown a healthy respect for him.
We got into the apartment. Matt ripped into me. In front of his friend... he made it sound like I was moving in unannounced, and how I was sufficating him, and how I was generally making his life hell.
His friend got really uncomfortable and started taking my side, which I found ironic.
I turned to Matt and told him that I had a nervous breakdown about leaving a toothbrush at his apartment, and how HE was the one who told me to bring over clothes. Matt decided that he needed cigarettes at that point and left for 15 minutes.
I'm not one to fight in front of people, and I was feeling shaky, so I put on my shoes and grabbed my coat. His friend asked where I was going and acted genuinely concerned if I was ok or not.
I said I was fine, called Matt an asshole and told his friend that it was obvious that Matt did not want me in his presence. The next day, I walked back to his apartment, stopping to grab coffee, and knocked on his door. He opened it and I handed him a cup of coffee and said, "We should talk, gotta minute?" He said he had seven. We sat down and it was my turn to tell him exactly how I felt about him. After I was done I explained that he made me feel so shitty about myself that I went home and sat in my room for 15 minutes crying.
Since I have cried once in his presence, this had some effect on him. He was wasted when this happened, and he apparently did not know how far he had gone with the "teasing." He profusely apologized. I apologized for unknowingly sufficating him. I didn't pull the girl apology, in case you are wondering, I just apologized for being over at his apartment all the time. I did NOT add the "unknowingly" part. This ended that between us, and he cleared some of his schedule for me to come over and watch a movie with him before he left for Chicago for the weekend. But still..... How retarded was that?
I know I've mentioned on here how much I love Madeleine Peyroux's music. In fact her lyrics are underneath my blog's name "Quietly Sipping Wine."
Today, I was listening to one of my favorite's which is "You're gonna make me lonesome when you're gone." However I did not realize it was an original Bob Dylan song. Excited, I quickly went to Amazon to listen to a clip of the original.
Maybe I'm biased, maybe I had different expectations, but what I heard was like nails on a chalkboard. The tempo on the original was 5 times faster, his beautiful lyrics seemed lost in his voice, his way of singing made the song seem emotionless, and over all I was kind of disappointed.
I have enough room in my "favorites" category for both, and I was kind of disappointed the original would have never made it there. In fact, if I had heard Bob Dylan's original song on a CD, I probably would have pressed the skip button.
I was hoping for another Sabrina-like tale. I originally watched the newest version, and fell madly in love with it. Later, after I was introduced to Audrey Hepburn, I started watching (and buying) all of her movies. I found out that she had done the original Sabrina. I watched the movie, and I found that it was as enjoyable as the newest version.
Although there is no comparison from Harrison Ford to Humphrey Bogart. Harrison Ford will always be top man in my book.
