For 15 minutes last night Matt and I broke up.
I quietly excused myself, and walked to his bathroom.
And cried for 10 of those minutes.
At minute 10, I walked out and he was sitting there looking like he had just witnessed a death.
TV muted.
Just staring.
When I approached his area, he asked "Are you ok?"
I could feel the tears welling again and said "FUCK!" really loud.
The corner of his mouth twitched and I did a sort of sob-laugh.
"I hate the fact that I can't just sit and have a conversation with you and not cry... damn estrogen" I said.
Matt was scared of commitment.
I had seen it before and that is why I broke it off with him originally.
I didn't see it this time and he was doing the breaking up.
He had gotten too deep into "us" and got completely petrified, and being a man, instead of talking about it and finding out if I was in a similar boat, assumed the worst and decided to break up.... that evening.
Well, I was in a similar boat.
And I told him that.
He looked sceptical.
I said, "Matt, you know I know how you feel, I've broken up with you before. I regretted it. It sucked. I thought, 'I have no right to call him, I did the breaking up, I deal with it.'"
Matt said, "Ya I know, it sucked for me too, Remember??"
I looked at him and said, "Well, I'll let you know this, you are going to be a little sad today, and probably the rest of the week, then you are going to get busy with work, and at some point 2 weeks later or maybe 3, you'll suddenly be bored one night, and at that point, you won't be able to call me."
He got really quiet and was just staring at me.
"You can do this," I said "And I'll walk out that door for the last time (tears were welling, and I quickly regained control) or you can believe me when I say that I really am ok with not seeing you ever night of the week. That I can be apart from you, even for a week at a time. And I won't be upset about it."
"Well," he said, "If you want to try it for awhile and see how it goes..."
He was hesitant, and so was I, but at this point I had already seen him walk away once, and I wasn't ready to do it again.
"We'll see how it goes," I said and smiled.
We quickly changed the subject and I started joking about how crazy he had driven me in the last two weeks.
"I went out with RHM one night and just bitched for 20 minutes about your ego," I said "It's like your invisible friend that follows you around."
Pretending to be horribly offended, he dropped his mouth open. I curled up next to him.
"I'm going to be super clingy for the next 15 minutes." I said.
"I'm giving you 11 after that comment." he retorted.
And then, things went back to normal
I quietly excused myself, and walked to his bathroom.
And cried for 10 of those minutes.
At minute 10, I walked out and he was sitting there looking like he had just witnessed a death.
TV muted.
Just staring.
When I approached his area, he asked "Are you ok?"
I could feel the tears welling again and said "FUCK!" really loud.
The corner of his mouth twitched and I did a sort of sob-laugh.
"I hate the fact that I can't just sit and have a conversation with you and not cry... damn estrogen" I said.
Matt was scared of commitment.
I had seen it before and that is why I broke it off with him originally.
I didn't see it this time and he was doing the breaking up.
He had gotten too deep into "us" and got completely petrified, and being a man, instead of talking about it and finding out if I was in a similar boat, assumed the worst and decided to break up.... that evening.
Well, I was in a similar boat.
And I told him that.
He looked sceptical.
I said, "Matt, you know I know how you feel, I've broken up with you before. I regretted it. It sucked. I thought, 'I have no right to call him, I did the breaking up, I deal with it.'"
Matt said, "Ya I know, it sucked for me too, Remember??"
I looked at him and said, "Well, I'll let you know this, you are going to be a little sad today, and probably the rest of the week, then you are going to get busy with work, and at some point 2 weeks later or maybe 3, you'll suddenly be bored one night, and at that point, you won't be able to call me."
He got really quiet and was just staring at me.
"You can do this," I said "And I'll walk out that door for the last time (tears were welling, and I quickly regained control) or you can believe me when I say that I really am ok with not seeing you ever night of the week. That I can be apart from you, even for a week at a time. And I won't be upset about it."
"Well," he said, "If you want to try it for awhile and see how it goes..."
He was hesitant, and so was I, but at this point I had already seen him walk away once, and I wasn't ready to do it again.
"We'll see how it goes," I said and smiled.
We quickly changed the subject and I started joking about how crazy he had driven me in the last two weeks.
"I went out with RHM one night and just bitched for 20 minutes about your ego," I said "It's like your invisible friend that follows you around."
Pretending to be horribly offended, he dropped his mouth open. I curled up next to him.
"I'm going to be super clingy for the next 15 minutes." I said.
"I'm giving you 11 after that comment." he retorted.
And then, things went back to normal
posted by Sipwine at 11:15 AM
3 Comments:
Ah ha! I knew that he scared himself. Why do guys do that?
The thing that I don't understand is that you aren't that clingy...at least, I don't see it. You like having your own life and things to do, as does he, and you also let him know when you guys have been too much in each other's hair and you take the initiative to fix it.
Honestly, Matt is lucky to have you. Most girls cling cling cling. And then there is opposite with women who don't care at all. You are in the middle and frankly I hope Matt sees that he can't get it much better.
Not only does he think that you (or women in general) are inherently clingy, but he thinks that he either has to do the clingy thing (as evidenced by his getting-back-together with you thing where he was all "OMG I'm wrong you're right let's get married") or abandon you completely.
It's a problem, and if it doesn't change then it might always be a problem. Sigh.
Wanderer: I don't know why guys do that, it's insane.
I appreciate that you think i'm special in the way of the independent-clingy, I think you appreciate it because you are one of those girls who is in-between also.
TAB: It is a problem, one which I think that has been rectified by way of not breaking up. We all have our faults and I'm calling that his.
I dumped him once, because I didn't want to take the time to talk it out with him. I just decided that I'd rather not get hurt, and dumping him was easier. And I think that is my fault.
But I agree with you on stereotyping me and all woman, we had a talk about that. :)
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