Mr. Stressed out.
I don't know if anyone reading this blog has received a PhD, but from what I can see of it, it's a LOT of work.
Matt has a prelim in April, and he has a deadline on April 1 to turn in a Journal article so it can be published.
Next week he's away at a conference all week to try and get a good spot for his post-doc.
AKA, Matt is stressed out.
While Tuesday was a good day between us, I didn't call him at all on Wednesday.
I knew he'd be working.
I did send him an e-mail that said "Hey I appreciate you taking time from working on Tuesday to be with me," but Matt knew I didn't need a response and he didn't send one.
Yesterday I sent another e-mail about a movie I thought he and I should see once he was done with everything.
I sent it that morning, and I hadn't heard anything by 5 that evening.
"Probably busy," I thought.
After a phone call to my mom and the fight I had during it, I grew weak and decided to call him.
No answer.
I wasn't mad or anything, so whatever, just a little sad he was so busy.
He called back around 5:30, and we talked briefly, he told me he was done with everything and that he had worked till 4 am on Wednesday and got it all done at once.
I was happy for him.
I asked him what he was doing the rest of the evening, and he said "Nothing, just watching TV."
I asked if I could stop by, and he said "Sure."
I came by around 9 because from 6 to 9 I was busy trying to make my sink drain again.
The dumb bitch decided that filling cups and ash trays weren't enough for her, and threw mounds of cigarette butts down my garbage disposal too. Words cannot express my anger.
I told him the story, and he looked so weary.
I rubbed his back, and watched once show with him and after that he passed out.
I sat for awhile watching the second show, and I was planning on leaving after that even though he had gotten a pillow out for me, and had a healthy share of the blankets on my side of the bed.
He suddenly woke up.
Scared the hell out of me.
He just SAT UP.
Reminded me of this:
Anyway, I told him I was leaving and that if he had time I'd like to hang out with him tomorrow.
He grunted, and rolled over, and I tucked him in, set the sleep timer on the TV, and tucked the remote in next to him.
I think that was the first night in a long time, he got to sleep before 11.
I hate stress.
Matt has a prelim in April, and he has a deadline on April 1 to turn in a Journal article so it can be published.
Next week he's away at a conference all week to try and get a good spot for his post-doc.
AKA, Matt is stressed out.
While Tuesday was a good day between us, I didn't call him at all on Wednesday.
I knew he'd be working.
I did send him an e-mail that said "Hey I appreciate you taking time from working on Tuesday to be with me," but Matt knew I didn't need a response and he didn't send one.
Yesterday I sent another e-mail about a movie I thought he and I should see once he was done with everything.
I sent it that morning, and I hadn't heard anything by 5 that evening.
"Probably busy," I thought.
After a phone call to my mom and the fight I had during it, I grew weak and decided to call him.
No answer.
I wasn't mad or anything, so whatever, just a little sad he was so busy.
He called back around 5:30, and we talked briefly, he told me he was done with everything and that he had worked till 4 am on Wednesday and got it all done at once.
I was happy for him.
I asked him what he was doing the rest of the evening, and he said "Nothing, just watching TV."
I asked if I could stop by, and he said "Sure."
I came by around 9 because from 6 to 9 I was busy trying to make my sink drain again.
The dumb bitch decided that filling cups and ash trays weren't enough for her, and threw mounds of cigarette butts down my garbage disposal too. Words cannot express my anger.
I told him the story, and he looked so weary.
I rubbed his back, and watched once show with him and after that he passed out.
I sat for awhile watching the second show, and I was planning on leaving after that even though he had gotten a pillow out for me, and had a healthy share of the blankets on my side of the bed.
He suddenly woke up.
Scared the hell out of me.
He just SAT UP.
Reminded me of this:
Anyway, I told him I was leaving and that if he had time I'd like to hang out with him tomorrow.
He grunted, and rolled over, and I tucked him in, set the sleep timer on the TV, and tucked the remote in next to him.
I think that was the first night in a long time, he got to sleep before 11.
I hate stress.
posted by Sipwine at 10:23 AM
5 Comments:
Yup, sipwine, I've been there. Are you pleased at what an overeducated readership you have?
Prelims suck. Study for six months, and if you don't get a "research pass" (or whatever), you get to take it again. And if you fail ~3, you're kicked out after a year and a half of the wasted effort. And worse yet, the prelims and coursework are the EASY part of it all. And it goes on for years like that, all the while getting paid $15,000/yr, so you get to stress about racking up debt at the same time. I think that I sleep for an entire week after my final defense. (Yes, "final" - there are two.)
Good luck!!! I've never known a relationship to survive a PhD program, for the very reasons you're seeing right now.... it takes the patience of a saint in the other person. I hope you're feeling saintly! Be the exception that proves the rule! (Successful PhD relationships)
It's funny, thats the main reason we almost broke up. He wanted to end it because a girl he had been dating for a year couldn't take it when he went to get his Masters degree. It broke his heart, and he didn't want to be hurt like that again.
So I sat down when he said that, what he was saying is very serious and I love him enough that I would have agreed to the break up if he felt like it wouldn't work out through it. "Am I like that type of girl?" I said, and if you knew me, you'd know I wasn't asking a "girl" question, I was asking in earnest.
"No" he said.
"If you don't think I have the capacity to handle not seeing you for the upwards of 4,5, 14 days in a row, and that's how much work you have, then tell me now." I said.
He looked at me very seriously and said, "You know, of any girl I've dated I think you'd be the one to handle this. I'll never be 14 days without a break, but it could be 5 or 6 days."
I told him then he didn't have to worry.
To be honest, I've been bitten by men so many times that as long as I feel like my significant other wouldn't cheat on me, then I really don't mind being apart from him. Cheating is about the only way you can truely hurt me or get me really upset.
I hear you on the cheating, sipwine!! Stick a knife in my heart - but don't cheat on me. Cut out my guts, slit my throat, feed me to sharks - but for the love of all that is holy, don't cheat on me. Not that.
It's a difficult line to walk. You can't be apart for long, or else what do you have together? But when someone is focussed on hard deadlines like these, you can't really spend quality time together, either. So Matt's going to have to make some work/school sacrifices, too - it can't all be you. But if he's worrying about postdoc opps, it's already almost over.
I actually had a girlfriend dump me as soon as I said that I was going to pursue a PhD. Apparently she'd been through it once already!
But I also lied: I do know some very successful relationships that survived the ordeal. Seems like their key was to really respect and love each other. And it sounds like you two have that.
Sipwine, I think I need to borrow some of your confidence right now. I'm not to see my bf for over a week because he "needs time to think about us." So while I don't think I have to worry too much about any cheating aspect, I have never been so anxious about spending so much time apart...mainly because I don't know if there will even be a relationship after that...:(
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