Episode Four: A rehashing of a tell-tale heart.

ID shoved NG into my front seat, closed the door, tapped my car, and walked off in the opposite direction.
NG. Tried. To. Hold. My. Hand.
When I ignored it, NG said, "Oh, he's leaving the two of us alone."
"I think you should go back and beg your buddy to come back here and protect you, because you really shouldn't be left alone with me," I said, after my third hand-ripping-away moment.
"Wait, why are you mad?" he said.
"WHY AM I MAD?" I said, well, more like yelled.
"ARE YOU REALLY THE TYPICAL BLOND WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON?" I said/yelled.
"Is this about my hand gesture?" he said.
"No, that's the last thing on the list," I said, and then I formulated a list of 9 things I was angry about. 4 of those things were unfair to bring up at that moment.
I told him I'd drop the 4.

"So, is NG no longer with us?" FN said, laughing.
"No, I killed him, but no worries I made it look like an accident," I said, in complete sarcasm.

I was rehashing the tale of my night on Saturday to a very curious FabulouslyNew. I had yet to tell him because Saturday was also the move-in date for Medusa and GH so he had no time to find out the details because he was dealing with them. My Saturday was odd. It consisted of a wild party, drunk text messages, and a big fight with NG. I had left the party to drive everyone home from the bars. NG decided that since it was ID who called me, that ID and I were cheating on him behind his back. He was wasted. I still didn't appreciate it. I also didn't appreciate ID shoving me out the door saying that "NG and I have to talk" and not even allowing me to put in my two cents. I went back to the party, and it was at my second attempt to pick them up that NG was shoved into my car and ID walked away.

Other things happened, but that was the gist.

"Soooooo, how did the fight go?" FN asked in a very gay-like manner.
"Well the ending was horrible," I said, and then I paused for dramatic effect.
"ARE YOU TWO DONE?!" FN looked horrified.
"No, silly, he bruised my cervix," I said and then I took a sip of my coffee.

It took FN a full minute to figure out what I meant by that. I knew it had dawned on him when a slow smile crept onto his face.

"Did he do that out of anger?" he said.
"Um, no, that was after the anger part of the evening," I said.
"Well, it must have been pretty rough sex if there were bruises," FN said thoroughly enjoying the moment.
"No, just 2 hours of it," I said.

(editing required to spare audience details)

"Oh my, so wow, damn, NG just went up to a new hotness level in my book," FN said.
"Yea, mine too," I said, "I'm glad we got all that stuff worked out and he proved to me I was, indeed, hot to him as well."
"It's so...," FN paused for effect, "Animalistic!"
"What?!" I said.
"Well, NG felt that his territory was being intruded on by ID, so the two alpha males battled it out, and finally NG won, so he went off to claim his prize which was mating with the alpha female," he said, "And that would be you in case you are wondering."

Nothing was said for a minute.

"Great," I said, "I have the Discovery Channel love life."
"I'm glad to put it in perspective for you" he said, laughing.

"So what did you do after the basic instinct mating?" FN asked.
"I went back to the party," I said.
"Why?!" FN said.
"Well, it was 1:30am, and I was wide awake, and I had people calling me worried about me because I left the party so suddenly earlier, and NG had pretty much passed out at that point," I said.
"Well if you were not busy at one, why didn't you respond to my text messages at 2am?" he said, rather put out.
"Because Pivo(friend of ours) took my phone and keys and shoved them down her boobs, and I didn't have the energy to chase after her and fish them out," I said. FN paused then said:

"Do you always have to top my comments? I'm the gay man here!"

Kids don't buy drugs, become a rockstar and they give you them for free!

Thursday I was out. I decidedly left my phone at home because I didn't want to be tempted to look at it to see if NotGay would call.
Before I left my apartment to do errands, a friend of mine text messaged me with "OMG, hillbilly hot tub and beer at my place, if you are interested!"
I had no idea what that meant, or if he was even serious.
Creepy is a really nice guy, but he gives of a weird impression at first, in fact, his number is in my phone under "Creepy" because that is in fact his nickname among my friends and I.
Since Creepy's house was on my way home, I stopped there out of pure curiosity.
They had put tarps down in the back of his truck, they had hooked up a hose to the kitchen sink through a window, and they had very hot water sitting in the back of his truck.
I didn't get in the water, but because I was feeling down and because i wanted to see a bunch of drunk idiots. I rode in the truck while they sat in the back.
Oh yea, they drove it around.

Welcome to Indiana.

When I got home, hours later, I found I had a text from NG.
He wanted to hang out on Friday if I was free.
When I got home from work I was stressed out.
Someone from my university had leaked the fact that we were bringing the Dalai Lama to campus.
Monday is going to suck, and Friday was horrible because the press were still giving us hope that they weren't going to print it. We are not prepared to handle the phone calls and all of our details on the matter are still not finalized.
The press don't care and we might revoke a lot of our ads in the paper.
Anyway.

He text messaged me when I got home and still asked if I wanted to hang out.
I said yes and went over there.
This sounds horrible, but I didn't feel like cuddling, I felt like drinking.
It really wasn't him. I think he was trying to make up for the Wednesday night.
I was the one stressed out and odd.
Our timing just has been completely off.
Can two people break up because they repeatedly are on bad timing?

So I left his place around 11ish.
He had to work at 7am.
My friends called me while I was there.
They were having a party.
I wanted a drink.

This next part is where I think GH got his "rockstar" image of me...

I walked into the apartment and my friends were like "QSW! You're here!!"
I hugged a couple as I walked in.
The main person, who threw the party, was sought out and found for me.

SideNote: Our fraternity has "marriages" between members so that our pledges have "parents" so that the pledges have someone to help them though the pledging process.
I decided a year ago to get "married" to him and his roommate at the time.
I always joke that he's my favorite husband, and we have a son and two daughters together. I know, shocking, QSW, a mom.

"My favorite husband," I said, ignoring most of the other people, "Do you have Tequila by The Champs?"
"Yes my dear," he said, leaning over to play it, "How was your evening?"
"Eh, I'm stressed, I feel like a complete bitch, and I'm beginning to think Zelda is more attractive than me," I said pouring two shots of tequila out, and noticing that of the 8 people in the room, all eyes were on me.
"Zelda? As in the video game?" he said walking over to me, the Champs song beginning to play.
"Yes, long story, and I'm not sure I want to explain it." I said.
"Fair enough" he said.
"How was your day dearest?" I asked him.
"Well, I drove 2 hours today out of my way for a stupid whim that my boss had," he started, "then the date I was suppose to have got cancelled at the last minute leaving me with the idea to get a bunch of booze and throw a party."
I set the one of the shot glasses in front of him.
"I'd say to our bad day," I said raising the shot glass, "Mmmm.. tequila"
The last part was exactly with the song.
We shot, clinked, turned them upside down, and both walked outside without a chaser.
I could feel the eyes following us.
Outside were people whom my husband and I knew a lot better.
Creepy was standing at the door when we walked out of it.
"Oh my god," I said, grabbing his beer out of his hand and taking a huge swig.
I noticed my husband doing the same thing when I turned around.
He put down his cup and I gave back the beer.
Then we both erupted in laughter.
Creepy and the 4 or 5 other people were staring at us.
"Why did we just do that?" I said laughing.
"I have no idea, I was just following your lead," he said.
"Don't ever do that," Creepy interjects, "this bitch is crazy!"
I laughed, and said, "At least I don't fill up my truck with water."

And finally, I started to relax and let go of all the bad day.
Now, I gotta figure out how to make it up to NG....

Maybe I should take a page from Wisco Blonde...

...but I don't have her balls. Sigh.

This is last night's conversation, because of it, I've resolved to just stay away. Not break up. Just stay away. I feel there is something I'm not completely understanding, and if that's the case, I don't want to make a wrong move.
And I'd like to put up this embarrassing picture as a reminder that NotGay and IrishDrinker are both fun guys when they pull their heads out of their asses.



italics = QSW thoughts.
normal = actual conversation.

QSW: We are going out, if you are bored.
NG: Where?
QSW: We are deciding that now, what is your vote?
NG: Not campus.
QSW: Luxie's
(15 minutes)
NG: You there yet?
QSW: Yes.
(20 minutes later he shows up)
(20 minutes later he leaves, without saying much of anything)
(10 minutes after that I leave)
QSW: I left too, there is only so much live music I can take.
NG: Well, I'm on my way home now.
Me: haha, I didn't think you were waiting outside. You work tomorrow?
Him: Yes.
Me: early?
Him: 12
Me: You going to bed soon?
Him: Nope, not at all.
Me: You wanna watch a movie?
Him: hmmm.. I was going to play Zelda.
Me: You fail.
Him: I fail?
Me: Yes, I'm much hotter than Zelda, so you fail. ;)
Him: Well, we could have a threesome?
Me: Haha, only if you are ready.
(30 minutes later, he still hadn't replied to that, and I was confused)
Me: Well, I guess you aren't ready. :) I'm getting in my PJs.
Him: Why don't you get into your PJs and come over here.
Me: Thats ok, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings is looking much better at keeping me happy.
Me: Um... ok... I will.
(arrive 20 minutes later)
Him: Hey, so you've played this, how do I beat this?
Me: (Explaining first, then saying) Why did you come out tonight?
Him: (shrugs) I just didn't want to be a bum.
Me: But you didn't want to be there at all.
Him: I know.
(watching Zelda after this, and 10 minutes later)
Me: You know you can say "No" to me? I set it up so that you could say, "Yes I am going to bed soon," if you wanted to be left alone.
Him: Yes, I know, I'm a big boy, I can say no.
Me: Says the "man" playing video games...
(15 minutes later)
Him: Are you getting tired?
Me: A little.
Me What the hell am I doing here?
(10 minutes later he shuts off the game)
Him: Come here. (and then he grabs me up into his arms and puts his head on mine)
Me: Mad-Eye Moody.
Him: (after a few moments) I guess we should get under the covers.
Me: Unless you wanna be on top.
Me: I don't care what we do at this point, I just wanna sleep.
Him: (after crawling under the covers)God, I don't want to work tomorrow, I hate it when the other managers go on vacation.
Me: That sucks you have 6 days working in a row.
(conversation stops for nearly 10 minutes)
Him: It's about that time.
Me: (half asleep, suddenly waking up fully at him talking)About what time?
Him: Where I have to take over the apartments in Lebanon, and then work for another manager the next week because he's on vacation. So it's this week 6 days in a row, then next week traveling to Lebanon every evening, then the week after 6 days in a row.
Me: Oh my gosh, that's horrible. How stressful.
Him: Yea...
(5 minutes pause)
Him: I was going to work out this evening.
Me: Why didn't you?
Him: Because you text messaged me.
Me: And you came out to the bars instead?
Him: No, after that.
Me: You were going to go work out at 10:30 at night?
Him: Yea.
Me: Ok, Why didn't you?
Him: (shrugs)Like I said, you texted me.
Me: Should I repeat the fact that I said, "You can say No to me?"
Me: Next time tell me to sod off.
Him: Sod off? Are you British?
Me: Only when I'm sleepy.
Him: (putting his hand on my arm)Good night.
Me: (kissing his cheek) Good night.
Him: (kissing me, then smiling) Good night.

Next morning.
QSW: (opening one eye)Groan.
NG: (already awake, but still in bed)It's 9AM.
Me: (sits up)I should go.
Him: Why do you sleep with your face against the wall?
Me: Because it has more emotional stability than you
Me: I don't know. (puts on shoes and picks up purse)
(he holds out his hand towards me, and I take it)
After pulling me to him, he kisses me, then kisses my hand.
Me: I'm dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Me: Have fun sleeping. (smiles)

Friend's comments on NotGay:
FN: Hunny, you have to play hard to get more, then he'll respond better.
RHM: What a moody, moody man!! God!
ID: NG's only reason for not wanting to be at this bar, is because SY didn't want to be here, when he lived here.

Episode Three: Random Randomness

8pm: FN and I are off to jump his car.
FN is scared of cars.
I'm not joking.
He was expecting me to jump his car.
I had idea, but I wasn't sure.
It didn't help that FN and I ate dinner watching a CSI episode about a car exploding when a girl popped the hood of her car.
So, the first task was getting my car hood open...
FN was standing 30 feet away from my car, in the middle of the street, so that a car could hit him, but my car wouldn't explode on him when I popped the hood.
I was in the car, and I now had Alanis Morrisette blaring from my speakers because FN said it was "good luck" because that was the first thing he had ever stolen.
Don't ask me, I don't know.
Popping my hood went off without a hitch.
I swear we've had no booze at this point.

After that obstacle was complete, hooking one battery to another was the next step.
FN sat with his owner manual in his lap for a bit before I decided to call ID.
ID didn't answer.
I called NG, even though I had told myself I wasn't going to call until the end of the week.
No answer anyway.
After a few arguments with FN, I decided to just do it.
And it worked again without exploding the car.
I stood there watching both cars running, hooked up to each other.
I decided to go get a glass of wine and call ID to leave him a message.
I stood there with a glass in my hand, FN 20 feet away(out of the road at least), in case there was a time-release bomb in my car, and I left ID the following message:
"ID, I would like you to know that I have just successfully jumped FN's car, all by myself, and trust me, I was all by myself on this. On top of that, I did it without the help of the owners manual. I feel like I deserve a honorary pair of balls for messing with a car and not reading directions."
Click.

I continued to stand there and quietly sip my wine, while FN kept telling me to stand away from it. We must have been a site to see.

9pm: NotGay calls me back.
Me: (picking up the phone and not bothering to say hello first)Sorry NG! I called you because I was trying to find out the proper way to jump a car, and when you didn't answer I didn't leave a message.
Him: Oh ok.
Me: But yea, that was all I needed you for, I didn't mean to bug you.
Him: Not a problem, I just thought I'd call you back.
Me: Ok thanks, I'll talk to you later.
Him: Oh ok, bye.

I think he wanted to talk more. I just didn't. I swear I wasn't trying to be rude, and with FN talking REALLY loudly next to me, I'm sure NG thought that I had to go quickly.

9:30pm: ID calls me back.
Me: (without bothering with a hello again)So, did you get my message?
ID: Yep, I'm so proud of you, I've taught you so well.
Me: (laughing) yep, I learn from the best.
ID: There is beer at my place if you and FN wanna come over (FN was still talking loudly over my phone calls)
Me: Sure we will be right over.

10pm:FN and I arrive at ID's and find that Amanda (ID's old roommate) is there as well. Amanda went to school with ID and SY and then later switched schools and went to NG's school. She knows them all really well. At first there was a little competition between us on who knew them more, but since I knew them well in college and she knew them well in high school, it turns out there is no competition at all. So we like sharing horrifying stores about the three of them to each other.

Conversation was good, and we started talking about how SY can never get it up when he's drunk. Amanda and I have both known his girlfriends and all of them have verified this. Whiskey Dick is what I've heard it called.

I said, "Oh I know! It's so funny because SY and I .."
Amanda interrupts.
"Oh yea! I guess he did get it up for you that one time! But I mean, look at you, its no wonder he did for you."
My jaw dropped.
"I have NEVER had sex with SY!!"
Amanda and ID looked shocked.
FN started doubling over in laughter.
Amanda started with, "But I thought..."
ID put down his beer.
I said, "No, I'm sorry. SY said something like this when I told him I was dating NG. And I informed him then that I had never had sex with him. The night in question was when we seriously considered dating, yes, but it was also after 10 beers, and 6 or 8 shots of vodka. I could barely stand up, and we ended up laying on his bed and making out, but I promise you, he did not get it up, and I have never seen his penis, let alone, have sex with him! I don't think he even remembers much of that night!"

I remembered it only because SY made a statement to me, before we started making out, he said "QSW, you date the guys you want to date, but I know you. You get your heart broken by them and I'll be here to pick up the pieces, but just so you know, I'll be the last one standing. I'll be the last person you date. Mark my words."

FN was almost in tears laughing.
ID had his eyebrows raised.
Amanda had started laughing as well. Apparently, SY had convinced ID that he had.

Then Amanda said the following... not two seconds later.
"Oh my God. (then trying to switch the subject, after seeing ID's face) Now, if we could just get NotGay to find a girl. I swear. He's proving himself more gay every day that goes by that he refuses to date someone. How long has it been? A year or two since he had a real girlfriend? I'm not counting Brittany either, that was a month long fling, not a girlfriend..."

FN was quite literally on the floor of the porch crying, because he was laughing so hard.
ID had started his Peter Griffin giggle.
Amanda looked lost.
Before I could say anything, FN came up gasping for air and said, "Oh but she has had sex with him!" and then doubled over laughing again.
ID was in his full-fledged Peter Griffin laugh.
Amanda looked at me.
"I've been dating him for the last two months," I said.
"Ohhh, that explains the weird look you gave me when I told you I had a friend that would like to be set up with you.... I guess that also explains why NG kept clenching his jaw repeatedly during that conversation..." she said, thinking out loud.
"yep," I said, and crossed my fingers in hopes that she would catch the hint to drop the subject.
She didn't.
"Oh, so you can totally verify that he isn't gay!" she started.
FN renewed his laughter and started saying in between spurts of laughter, "Not what," "she said," "Saturday night!"
"Yes, FN, He's gay, ok? Happy?" I said in sarcasm.

"Hey! Now, just leave the man alone!"
It was ID that had come to his defense, and it shocked everyone sober.
"I'm surprised you aren't joining in!" I said, "You and SY had a running bet on whether he was gay or not."
"Yes, well, that was before you..." he trailed off.
"Sparked his interests?" I finished for him.
"Yes," and with that, he walked off to get another beer.
FN looked at me and said, "I guess it won't be as bad as you thought living with ID."
"Wait! You are living with ID?!" said Amanda.

Poor girl, I don't think anyone filled her in on last month's gossip.

I found myself...

So, many will laugh, but I finished the new Harry Potter book at 5AM on Monday morning.
I had the wedding on Saturday, a tiff with NG Saturday evening, and running around with errands on Sunday morning/afternoon. I didn't get it started until Sunday around 5pm.
It took me under 12 hours to read because that was also taking a break for food, coffee, and talking to the roommate.
And that's all I have to say about Harry Potter, because I swear I won't ruin it for people who haven't read it, and not make the rest bored.

Remember back in the paragraph when I said, "tiff with NG?"
Yea, let's discuss that.

So I thought only girls could do this:
They do something wrong...
...And still manage to blame the guy for it completely.
I watched in awe as MW would do that to MM and then get away with it.

Apparently, guys can too.
I left the bars in a huff on Saturday...
It was such a great day, I enjoyed myself at the wedding and afterwards NG and I didn't want to go home. So we called some people and went out to our local pub. We said we'd only go out for a couple because we were both tired. About 1AM I started getting tired. I had been drinking on and off again since 5PM so I felt it was time to go home. NG had a half of beer left. I got my stuff together, and put it aside, and as I did that FN said, "Are you going soon?"
I said, "Yes, I'm tired."
NG looked right at me and then smiled. He was my ride home, and the one holding my Harry Potter book and cell phone in his car.
NG finished his beer.
ID filled it up again.
NG allowed him and didn't even say anything.
I swore under my breathe, FN who was watching me, saw it.
"Hunny, I'll walk you home," he said.
I said "Fine," (its a 20 minute walk) got up, and turned my heel and left.
On the way home I said some not-so-nice-things about NG actually liking the cock and how FN should date him because obviously he wasn't interested in girls.
I was drunk.

The next day, around 3:30ish in the afternoon, I called NG (roommate's phone)and told him I was coming over. He also had my laptop.
I wanted my book and laptop, I didn't care about anything else.
I arrived and NG was positively cold to me.
I had resolved myself to be "un-mad" because I figured whatever I was upset about last night wasn't that big of a deal in reality.
His cold behavior really surprised me.
I collected my things and since I was confused I asked, "Is there anything wrong?"

"WHY did you just LEAVE last night?" He starts.
"BECAUSE I was TIRED," I said in the same voice.
"You could have told me!" he said, dropping the sarcasm.
"I thought you knew! I announced it to the table!" I said.
"QSW, I was drunk!" he retorts.
He said this in the same manner a girl would say, "Of course I was a bitch! I was on my period!"
I found myself apologizing.
Then he laid more guilt into me about how I didn't talk to him much after the wedding, and how I got quiet when I got out to the bars.
I found myself trying to explain myself and how tired I was.
He told me how he worried about me walking home and how since I had left my cell in his car, he couldn't get a hold of me.
I found myself promising I'd never do it again.
I decided it was best if I left him alone to his video games, so I left his apartment.
I found myself walking out the door, stopping and saying,
"WAIT? WHAT THE HELL?"

QSW gets mad when people wine...

DISCLAIMER:
QSW does not presume to know all there is to know about wines. She only knows what she's tasted, she's never studied them, nor has she searched out the best of the best. She just likes the taste of a dry red wine. Don't sue her.

Saturday I went to a wedding with NG.
I had a really good time despite the fact that NG and I knew practically no one (he knew two people, and the groom, out of 200+ people).

The reception was held at a winery.
QuietlySippingWine's dream(not for a wedding, just that a big party be held at a winery). Plus, all the wine was free.

NG, who never really had wine before, said he wanted me to choose wine for him.
I decided to start him off with a white wine, because it's been my experience that they aren't as dry, acidic, and usually are a little sweeter(read above disclaimer).
We walk up to the tasting area, and I asked the guy behind the counter if we could both try his Traminer. He poured a glass for NG to taste and ignored me. When NG said it tasted good, he poured a whole glass for him, and ignored me. NG caught on quickly and said, "My girlfriend would like a glass as well.
The man turned to me and said, "I don't think she's 21 yet."
This was either really dry humor, or just odd.
I assured him I was, and I started to pull out my ID to show him I was in fact 24, when he turned to NG and said, "I'll trust that she's 21 if you say she is."

NG assured him and he poured me a glass and left.
NG turned to me and said, "Wow, that was weird."
I said, "Weird? No, just rude."
I dropped it after that.
After our wine was done, one of the two people that NG knew asked if he could come with to get a glass of wine.
So the three of us went.
Same guy helped us, and I even picked the opposite end of where he was, but as we walked up to a nice looking lady, she left to go get some more glasses, and he walked down to help us.

NG's friend ordered something at my suggestion, liked it, and left.
NG ordered the same wine he had earlier because I don't think he wanted to branch out too much(it was one of the first times he's had wine).
I asked to taste his Chianti-like Sangiovese, because I knew to like most of the Chianti I've tasted.
He just stared at me, then after a moments pause, when I could see NG moving to say something, the horrid man said, "It's a really dry wine, you know that?"
"I happen to like most of the Chianti I've tried and I like a dry red wine," I told him.
He actually rolled his eyes, but he poured me a glass... and no...I was not allowed to taste it first.
NG put his arm around my waist leading me away and as soon as we rounded the corner, NG looked at me and said, "What the Fuck?!" and started laughing.
I started laughing as well and said, "Was I offensive or something?"
"Damn you and your damn red, dry wine," NG said in a very good impression of what the man sounded like.
NG's friend walked up to us, and asked what we were laughing at, and NG told him.
His friend was really nice and offered to get my wine from now on, I told him it wasn't necessary because I really wasn't afraid of sexist bastards.

The next glass of wine I took on by myself. Both NG and his friend offered to come with, but I very adamantly told them both to stay put.
I walked up to the man at the counter and ordered his Cabernet Sauvignon.
I said it clearly.
He said, "Oh, just a second let me find it."
He picked up the bottle of wine and poured it.
It was the white wine we had earlier, since it sounds nothing like Cabernet Sauvignon, I knew he did it on purpose. He poured a taste and just looked impassive at me.
"Wow," I said, "You do a horrible job with your Cabernet, it's suppose to be red."
Without waiting, I sipped it, set it down, and said in a very mocking voice, "Oh, it tastes like the Traminer we had earlier. Let's have another glass."

Two things:
One, (you are right)I was tipsy at this point.
Two, the bastard had it coming, because I was saying this with many people standing around me (I was not loud, I said things very calmly), and some of them were staring hard at the conversation between myself and the arrogant bastard and some were trying to listen in.

The bastard poured me a glass of the white wine, and he immediately walked away from the counter, leaving just the nice looking lady to take care of 15 people.
I turned away from the counter, and a lady standing very close to me with her husband said to me, "Oh my gosh, I thought it was just me he was doing that to!(she was loud)"

This got everyone's attention and they were staring at the wife and myself. The 10 or so that were being polite and looking away before, now had lost all pretense. While I wanted to take a stab at the man, I did not want it to be so public, I have tact, I swear.

I smiled at her and said, "Well, from now on, I'm sending my boyfriend to get wine, because I don't actually like white wine."
Several people laughed/chortled, which is when I realized that most of the people were drunk.
Her husband offered to get me a glass of whatever I wanted,(he too was very drunk) but I assured him that the white wine would suffice.
I walked back to my table and told NG and his friend what had happened.
"That's it, QSW, I'm going in for your wine from now on, I don't care how independent you are," NG said (at the time, I didn't think he was worried about me, rather me making a scene).
"I agree," I said, "I don't want to deal with him anymore."
I think I surprised NG that he was getting to hold the reins on this situation.

After about an hour, it was time for another glass of wine (I was at this wedding from 5 till 10:30, don't look at me like that, I know you are judging)
NG went into the tasting area to get me the Cabernet I had ordered earlier.
After 20 minutes there was still no sign of him.
His friend asked me where he was, and I just shrugged.
A minute later he finally reappeared.
He had a smug expression on his face.
I'm quickly learning that NG doesn't take as much crap as I thought he did, in fact, he might be more rebellious than me, but he does it in a much quieter, sneaker way.

"He actually said to me, 'Your girlfriend thinks she knows so much about wine, but she doesn't does she?'" said NG.
I started laughing, and said, "Wait, does he think you know more than me?"
"Well of course I do, I'm a male, I have that Y chromosome that says I know more," said NG laughing.
He handed me a rather large glass of wine, and it looked as if he was still pleased with himself.
"What else happened?" I asked.
"I casually mentioned that you did know more than me," he said smirking, "then I mentioned that when I buy wine for all the area's surrounding Kroger stores I usually ask you what you think of certain wines."
My mouth dropped.
"Then, I casually mentioned that you didn't like white wine," he said almost laughing, "and that you were disappointed that this winery didn't know what it was doing because even your Cabernet Sauvignon was white."
To think I was worried about him being mad at me for saying something earlier to the man...

"You carry this brand of wine, don't you?" I asked, because I was, in fact, not the official wine taster of Kroger Inc.
He nodded.
"Is this why I have such a big glass of wine?" I asked.
He nodded, smiling.
"Are you going to stop carrying it?" I asked, sipping it.
He shrugged, "You tell me, Mrs. Wine Taster."

It was perhaps the sweetest thing anyone has done in coming to my defense.
*********************************************

When told the story above, FN said, "Honey, he knows a wine lush when he sees one, you can't get mad at the man from trying to bat you away from his wine."

Episode two: The Cock.

I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang... -Four rooms

I'd like to state, firstly, that I'm having a good hair day today.

Secondly, I'd like to share a conversation I had with FN last night.
FN = gay man, and likes to talk about the penis because he, in fact, has seen many.
QSW = straight woman, who, in fact, actually likes sex with men compared to many other girls she's knows who just use it as a way to manipulate. Has no problems talking about dick with FN.

This conversation started because FN was complaining about Medusa and the fact that even after being finally laid, and losing her virginity, she still behaves like a prissy bitch to all of the world.
"I thought that if someone finally stuck a penis in Medusa's mouth or va jj, she'd learn to behave," he says as I walk into the door, FN doesn't need hello's when it comes to me.
"From what I remember," I started, "GH had a little penis and NO IDEA how to satisfy a woman sexually, I remember for the most part masturbating for the 3 months I was with him. Medusa probably thinks sex is pretty pointless at this point."
"No wonder you went back out with Matt," FN said in a mock gasp.
I just shrugged and sat down on the couch, opening my laptop.
"Was it at least curved?" FN asks.
I burst out laughing.
"Why on earth do you want to know?!" I said.
"Well you know the different types of penii," he starts, "very few are what I call 'worthless' meaning they have nothing going for them or their driver."
"You call men, drivers?" I said, laughing.
"For most it's a matter on how you steer your car," he says in his infamous FN sarcasm.
"I'm having flash backs to grade school and Sylvia explaining to me that sex was the male parking his car in the female," I said with equal sarcasm.
FN gave me a look and said, "You should shut up now because I don't want to hear about your grade school lesbianism," and before I could say anything, continued with his lecture.
"The worthless penis is one that is short as well as thin, no crook, and usually the driver is a bit over weight... those," he paused for emphasis, "are ones you don't want to waste your time with, and if you are telling me that you spent 3 months with one of those, then I'm going to slap you silly."
He was more like "Jack" then "Will" at this point but I didn't want to push the subject, instead I said, "He had a crook."
"Good," he said, "That means that he lucked out every third time, and he probably managed to hit the g-spot by accident."

If you'd rather not hear about my sex life and what FN thinks of it, you might want to stop reading here. You can finish this post with the thought that we went on to discuss various dick sizes.

"Matt liked to whip his dick out at every chance he got," FN continues "So I know you were happy with him."
It's true, Matt thought everyone thought he had the Irish Curse and with typical male ego, tried to prove it otherwise.
"And if NG is anything like his pictures," he said, "Then I'm guessing you are definitely happy."
"Excuse me?" I said horrified, "His pictures?"
"Yes" FN said very smugly.
"Is there something I need to know about NG?" I said starting to get horrifed, "Is he in some kind of porn you've seen or something?"
FN looked confused, "No, hunny, he's not gay, we've established that, he's dating you, I'm talking about the pictures you have of him."
"My pictures?" I said completely lost.
"Yes, on your laptop," he said.
"Um, I don't have pictures of him, and when the hell were you on my laptop," looking down at it.
"When you went out to have phone sex with NG the other night," he says, "I got on it to check my e-mail and to go through your pictures, there are some nice ones of you on there too."
Suddenly, I knew exactly what he was looking at.
"I was talking about the wedding, asshole," I said to FN, "not having phone sex, and those pictures aren't of NG."
FN ran around the living room doing a lot of fake gasping and fake acting.
He should get an Oscar for his fake acting.
"You are NOT cheating on NG, you retard," he says stopping his gasping.
"Um, no," I said with attitude, "That penis lives 10.5 hours away from here, and other than seeing him naked and him seeing me naked... that's the extent of it, this was also before NG and I had sex, so I feel its really none of your business."
FN did one HUGE fake gasp and said, "IS THIS MIKE?!"

Girls reading this, never ever tell your gay boyfriend who you've been flirting with online. It's ok if he's flesh and blood, because your gay boyfriend will put a gag in his mouth, but since the online people are no where near you, he can go off on WILD tangents.

"If I say no, you'll think it's him, and if I say yes, you'll think its him, so why ask?" I said.
"Good point!" he said brightly, "So let's compare, your mission, should you choose to accept it..."
Interrupting I said, "Is to delete all naked pictures on my computer as soon as you give me my laptop back."

"......" (FN look)...then, "No... you are retarded, these are hot pictures, you look good naked too, sorry, do you feel left out? I'd do you too, and I like the penis, does that state enough for your hotness?"
I pinched his leg, and when he grabbed his leg, I grabbed my laptop away from him.
It didn't phase him.
"So your mission," he continued, "Is to get pictures of NG's cock, and that way we can compare..."
I deleted the pictures.
"... the different sizes and looks and see which one you'd be happier with..."
I emptied recycle bin.
"Look here, FN," I said, "If you think for ONE MINUTE I think you want to see NG's cock to see if I'll be happy or not, then you have another thing coming, plus I've deleted all Mike pictures so you'll never be able to compare."

FN looked positivity horrified & sad all rolled into one.

I hate crushing a gay man's dreams.

QSW the Psychotic

FN compares me to Grace and himself to Will.

Ironic, because my real name means "One of grace" in some foreign language... or at least that is what the poster said that use to hang on my wall.

I think he means the red-headed, Jewish, slightly psycho Grace Adler though.

Last night was confession night with NG.
If you've never been through anything traumatic in your life, then you've probably never had one of these nights in your relationships. I have been through stuff, and apparently so has NG. At the end of those nights you usually find yourself either re-thinking the relationship or liking the person that much more then before.

At the end of NG's confession I found myself realizing that he really liked me a lot more than I thought. I also realized that he could hide himself really well.
At the end of my confession, I left NG ... shocked.
I was shocked, that he was shocked.

I've told this confession to a handful of people.
My first real boyfriend in high school, my best friend of high school, my best friend of college who turned out to be psychotic and told SY, and ID, my mother, I'm pretty sure my father knows because my mom tells him everything, The EX, Matt, and GH.
Out of everyone's reaction, no one acted "shocked."
A couple immediately felt sorry for me and I hate pity.
A few felt that I had handled myself well, and I was a better person because of it.
My mom just cried, but that was to be expected, you never want to think of bad things happening to your children.
Oh I forgot, my brother knows as well, because I wanted him to SHUT UP about what his ex-girlfriend Medusa went through. He kept telling me how horrible it was, and when I finally heard it I actually laughed.
It wasn't that horrible.
In fact two sessions of therapy could have made her happy the rest of her life.
That, or a swift kick of "Grow-the-fuck-up" in the ass.
So I told my brother what I had been through.
It was giving him a swift kick of "Grow-the-fuck-up" in the ass, followed by a slap of "Shut-the-fuck-up."
He never brought up Medusa's problems again.

Ok, back to Shocked NotGay.

I hesitated telling NG this, because we are only to the two month mark, but since he had told me something almost as horrible and we had been friends for 2 years, I felt it would be ok.
Shocked did not make me feel comfortable.
I assured him that I was well over it since it happened 8 years ago, and other than one instance during my dating of GH, I haven't heard about him or what he's been doing. Also, he went to jail awhile for it, so I was completely fine with the fact that he had at least been punished.

That seemed to bring NG out of his trance of staring at me.
"Were there bruises?" he asked.
I couldn't help it, I started laughing.
"Yes," I said smiling, "there would have to had to been."
"How come you aren't upset?" he asked.
"Because it happened 8 years ago," I reiterated, "all pain goes away with time."
He buried his face into my neck and wrapped his arms around me and laid on top of me.
I was at a loss on what to do, so I just ran my fingernails up and down his back.
I felt like I was comforting him rather than vise versa.

After I long period of silence I felt my heart beating faster, and I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, he doesn't want to date me anymore."
I found my voice after a few minutes longer and I said, "NG, if you don't want to date anymore, I won't blame you."
He jumped up like I was on fire, and yelled (yelled, this is a man known for not talking all evening)"WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM?"
My turn to be shocked.
After regaining composure I yelled back, "WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!! OR AT LEAST SEE THAT I'M LAUGHING AND OK WITH THE SITUATION BEFORE YOU BECOME SILENT AND WHAT SEEMED LIKE BITTER! I KNOW WAY TO MUCH ABOUT YOU TO THINK THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE SOME KIND OF THOUGHT ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION!"
He just stared... (shocked I'm assuming)... and then started laughing.
"What! Is! So! Funny!" I said, half-yelling.
"Matt told me one time that he got you angry and you yelled and it floored him so much he just let you win the argument, and now I see what he means," he said laughing.
"Please please, stop bringing him up!" I said, "He's the reason we are even talking in this manner."
Which was true, I told NG about running into Matt the other night and NG didn't handle it well.
"Ok, fine, I wont," he said still laughing, "And I don't want to break up with you, I promise."

After that it was LoTR and ice cream, and not another thing was said about it.

You know you are in a relationship when...

...the following conversation happens.

Text Messages:
Me: When you get a chance I need to talk to this week.
NG: Is it bad?
Me: Maybe, I don't know how you are going to handle it.
Me: Don't worry its not about us, I like you despite your ego ;)

NG calls me.

NG: OK, tell me.
Me: Now? You have a free moment?
NG: Yea, I pulled over the car.
Me: (Wondering what he thinks this about)Um...ok...I'm moving in with ID, because RHM just informed me that she is moving back home and I cannot afford to live by myself.
NG: Geeeeeezus. I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant.
Me: (after momentary heart attack)Um no in fact Aunt Flo left my apartment on Saturday.
NG: Really? How? Are you lying?
Me: (wondering why on earth she'd be lying) Yes, really, how? It happens to the best of us women.
NG: That would make it only 3 days long.
Me: I know.
NG: That's not possible, they take 7 days.
Me: (now really laughing)Not every girl, and I REALLY REALLY don't want a baby. In fact I think my heart hasn't slowed from when you said my name and pregnant in the same sentence.
NG: Oh........ Why? Thought of having a kid with me scare you?
Me: I'm not having this conversation.
NG: You brought it up!
Me: (raising voice) NG! I'M MOVING IN WITH ID! THAT IS WHY I CALLED YOU!
NG: I know you told me, Why would I care? He's harmless, and you've already told him you weren't going to date him so I'm not worried about it.
Me: Ok, I'm going to go eat.
NG: wait, hold on..
Me: Interrupting)Bye Darling!(in fake falsetto voice)

Men Mark Their Territory

In response to Indy's Women Mark Their Territory.

It always starts with the toilet seat and pee stains.
I have a lot of guy friends and it never fails for one of them to walk out of my bathroom and ask "Are you dating someone? Or did you miss the seat?"
Seriously, I know I'm in a relationship when I find myself in rubber gloves at my toilet twice a week.

Next it's followed by condoms in my drawer. Why is it that they were OK in the wallet before, but now suddenly you have to "store" them in my bedside table? And why do we need more than three? Let's be realistic, you aren't going to use three in one night, and you can replenish them later.

Then it's the socks and boxers. Geez. Seriously just because I don't see them when I pick up my laundry doesn't mean I enjoy finding them later when I'm folding the clean clothes! Did you wear your shoes home without socks? Did your pants not chafe you? And no, don't get mad when you find other men's socks and boxers in my drawers, you weren't the first one to try and get his socks & boxers cleaned by me, and you won't be the last. Yes, I will keep them, they'll be my forever running socks and my forever sleeping shorts.

What is with the beer in the fridge? Yes, if you bring over beer don't expect me not to drink it. This isn't your fridge. Yes I know I prefer wine, but hey, don't expect me NOT to change my mind. I'm not your friend, I'm the girl you sleep with, friends don't drink other friend's beer, but girls you sleep with do.

It always ends up with me tripping over a bag of laundry as I walk into my apartment and realizing it's not mine or my roommates because of the odd funk coming from it. It's always right after I pick up the mail that you surprise me with a "Hey there, you are finally home!" which startles me to the point where I drop the mail into the bag with the weird funk. Somehow you always stay for dinner. How did you get in? Oh you can jimmy the lock, because you have a penis.

There are steps here, don't jimmy until I've given you the key.

"Give him the 'ole 1, 2"

I left NG's house on Wednesday in a bit of a huff.
I think I told him (sarcastically) twice that I hated him.
To which he said (twice) "you do not."
Then I kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye.
I think I said, "Have fun at work" when I left.

Before this, I had noticed that NG has a streak of arrogance about him.
I must be attracted to arrogance(/ego) because 4 outta 5 of the last boyfriends had this very same streak, the exception being GH who I dumped very quickly.

NG has played "games." Something that irks me.
Some of the more obvious games have been text messaging and not responding:

NG: What are you up to this evening?
Me: Not much, you?
NO RESPONSE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
I just don't bother to talk to him until he makes the effort again.
Seriously why even ask, if you are too busy to respond to the same question?

Or... the pull and push game:

7 days in a week.
First 3 days of the week he'll spend every waking moment trying to be in my presence.
Next 3 days he'll spend every effort to avoid me completely.
Last day, we will hang out where he'll say something like, "Oh yea, sorry, I forgot to respond to your text message."
He seems to enjoy this?

So back to Wednesday.
I left in a huff. Earlier in the evening I said something like, "You have a lot of bullshit about you." This was when he was talking about a particular text message he hadn't responded too. I pointed out exactly what actually happened and told him I knew I was right about it. He looked sort of embarrassed so I said, "Do you hate the fact that I see through most of your bullshit? Would you like me to keep pretending that I don't see what you are actually doing?"

I know this is playing a game myself. Fire with fire, man. I really don't know everything, but men are scared of women, and if you act like you do, then most likely they'll believe you....
he believed me.

So, most of the evening he spent trying to figure out what I meant by "bullshit" and then trying to figure out what I "didn't really know" because obviously he "doesn't play games."
He acted awful nervous for a man who doesn't use "bullshit."

So it's Thursday.
I didn't bother to text message him that day.
At 10:30pm, I got a text from him that said, "Oh no, I'm feeling like smoking!"
Did I mention that NG and I decided to quit smoking together?
I just didn't bother to respond.
(game number 2 for QSW)
I normally always respond, if not immediately, then usually within the hour.
About an hour later I got another from him that said, "Too late."
I didn't respond to that one either.

He was sending out "feeler" text messages.
You know.. judging by my response he'll know if I'm actually mad or not.
I just didn't bother to respond to give him the satisfaction of knowing.
And when I talk to him again I'll say something like, "Oh yea, about those, I got those the next day so I thought, "Eh, the harms already done" so I just didn't both responding.

Two can play at any game. I just want a man who doesn't play games.

Drunk...what?

I got a little drunk last night.

FN decided I needed wine.
So we drank an entire bottle of Medusa's wine, for two reasons:

One: NG might be gay afterall.

Two: Medusa has now dumped GH. Medusa is moving in with FN in 2 weeks. GH is horrified so he's coming down and giving FN the electric bill (this is GH's old apartment) and at the same time beg Medusa to take him back after cheating on her with yours truely.

Medusa decided she had to get outta town, so she's going with my brother to my parent's house to get away from it all.

Kind of reason just to say, "Fuck it, let's get pissed, I'm confused."

Or, that's what FN said anyway.

Kudos to Scotty for answering my drunk e-mail last night. Even though I said "Men Suck, Except FN."

This is a photo I recently found from last May.
NG, ID, MM
During that time in May:
I was completely smitten with Matt during this photo.
It was also the first time we dated, and I didn't know GH.
NG was dating Mallory who was ID's friend.
ID had just graduated.
MM had just graduated with a Masters.
Now:
I'm dating NG.
MM has a daughter and is getting a PhD.
ID and I will be living together.
I hate both GH and Matt.

Amazing what a year and 2 months can do to people.

Ignoring... then attentive?

So I'm not the only one who felt weird about NG ignoring me and then paying close attention to me.
Apparently you guys did too, because a couple of you have e-mailed me and commented on how odd it was.

I think I may have the answer for you...

Last night I went over to FN's apartment to have some quality time with him.
These type of evenings are usually spent with me on my laptop playing euchre, him on his computer playing WoW, both of us with wine in our hands, and chit-chatting about men's dick sizes.
After pouring myself a glass of wine and starting up my laptop, I told him about my evening with NG and how wonderful it was. At that end of the story I told him how odd it was that he changed so dramatically. I told him how it reminded me of Matt and how if it was going to be like that, then I wanted nothing to do with him.
FN set down his glass of wine and said, "Oh NotGay is nothing like Matt, I'm pretty sure that was all your fault when he ignored you that night."
FabulouslyNew has a habit of being brutally honest, and I was rather shocked by that statement.
"Me? What did I do?" I said indignatly.
"Calm down, I should say both of us," he answered, "Think of how we react to each other drunk. Although I have no desire to go sticking my dick in you, I do love teasing you, hugging you, and frequently I find myself kissing your forehead when I'm drunk. You in turn do not tell me to stop, you hug me back, and you tease me back, your only saving grace is that you do not kiss me back. Think of how NG feels about that. He knows I'd rather sleep with him, but he's gotta find it hard to see his new girlfriend being hugged and kissed by another man even if it is a gay man. I bet jealousy got the best of him, especially since SY and ID were sitting there so he couldn't run over to you and kiss you and hug you to show his alpha male side."

I thought of NG kissing and hugging a lesbian. I thought about what I'd do even if I knew that the lesbian wanted to sleep with me and had no desire to jump his bones. I realized I would have done exactly the same thing NG did. Ignore them.... because the significant other really isn't doing something really wrong, but all the same, you feel hurt.

I groaned.

FN smiled and said, "Hunny, you know I'm right."
"Yea I know..." I sighed.
"Good," he said, "Now run along, apologize to him, and give him a blow job, or if need be I can apologize for you and I will give him a blow job."

I love FN for his brutal honesty with everything.

I remembered this..

... and I didn't want to forget it... so, sorry...;) I'm posting it.

NG: No! In the new Harry Potter book someone gets raped in it!! I swear!!
Me: I thought I would have heard that on the news...
NG: That's where I saw it, Harriet Tubman said so.
Me: (stares for a minute) Are you saying the lead female conductor in the Underground Railroad movement had an interview recently and talked about someone getting raped in the new Harry Potter book? Do you read the World Weekly News and believe it to be true?
NG: (pause) Ok, I'll grant you that I threw out the first name that popped into my head...
Me: (interrupting) Harriet Tubman was the first name to pop into your head?
NG: (grabbing my hands, laughing) Yes! IT was! Aaaaand that's impressive that you know so much off the top of your head about Harriet Tubman.
Me: (kissing him, laughing) Well, I paid attention in the fourth grade when we learned about her...and let's not forget that you seem to be obsessed about her since you were the one to "throw out the first name that popped into your head." I believe the correct answer is "Who is J.K. Rowling?"
NG: YEA! That's the one, that British lady.

Champagne Supernova

I know my postings have been.. Sporadic... thats because of two things:
I was on "vacation" which basically meant no wireless and my grandparents shutting off the lights at 10:30pm and waking me up at 6:30am.
And my laptop broke.

So now I'm home.
So happy.
That little "vacation" successfully got me to quit smoking, and to bite all my nails off.

Before I left on Thursday morning, SY, ID, FN, RHM, NG and I all got together for fireworks. NG ignored me (and everyone else) completely.
I was a little confused and upset by this, but I didn't have time to worry about it, because I was being whisked away to MI right after that night.

Yesterday, I got back into town around 2:30pm.
At 3:30pm I text messaged him asking if he wanted to hang out.
He said, "Sure, come on over."
I had a really bad feeling about the whole thing.

I got there, and I looked cute, I made sure of it.
He walked up to me, kissed me and asked if I wanted to meet his grandmother.
I'm pretty sure I just stared at him for a moment, because he followed that up with a knitting of his brow and a "You don't have too of course."
I assured him I'd like nothing more.
His grandmother was hilarious and she knew most of MY office staff.
We left there, and he looked at me and asked, "Are you hungry?"
I assured him I was.
He took me out to eat.
As we were about to finish, he said, "I don't want to go home yet."
Then he kissed my hand, which wasn't cutesy, set my hand on his knee with his hand over mine, and asked, "Do you want to go see a movie?"
I'm pretty sure I was just staring at that point as well.
He got an amused look on his face and said "Or if you'd rather we can rent all the Harry Potter movies, because I kind of want to see them"
I told him either would be fine with me.
So he drove me to the movie theater.
We saw Live Free or Die Hard.
Good movie.
Afterwards we came back to his apartment, and he seemed preoccupied with some of his work stuff, so I stood off to the side. I was trying to figure out how to make my departure without making him feel bad for working.
I had already a perfect evening under my belt, I didn't mind if he needed to work now.
He suddenly stopped what he was doing, looked over at me, and asked, "What? Do you think you are leaving?"
Then leaped over the couch, successfully putting himself between me and the door, grabbed me in his arms, and kissed me.
I started laughing, and assured him that he could work if he needed too.
He didn't even bother saying anything to that, he asked, "Do you own the Harry Potter movies?"
I told him I did, and told him I could go get them.
He let me leave after that.
I went back, got into my PJs, got the DVDs and came back.
I walked into his apartment.
He jumped around the corner, picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, walked to his room, threw me on his bed, and then curled up around me.
Before the end of the movie, we both feel asleep like that.

It might have been the most perfect date I've ever been on.

For reasons I'm not quite sure of, other than after finding out that my roommate 1.)hasn't paid the cable bill so we have no internet or cable,
2.)she's eaten half of my food, and
3.)the money she did have she just blew all on booze....
I'm still positively happy.

Bonnie: So I've written my very first book of poetry. And it's all about hope and communication and the healing power of love.
Larry King: What is it called?
Bonnie: Wait Until He's Asleep, Then Cut It Off.
Connie: It's a page-turner.
Roger: I cried.

"Who wants beer?" said my grandmother the moment we had set down our bags. This almost expected from the woman who liked to complain everyone was drinking other than her. Secretly, we all knew that she loved her "virgin" strawberry dacquiris in very naughty ways. Most of us murmered "no" and my father and brother just vanished into thin air, they knew that if they said "no" and were caught later with a beer, they'd hear about it for the rest of the weekend.
The females that were left (my grandfather had disappeared as well, but before the question was asked, I guess at his 80th year, he knew better) consisted of my three cousins, my aunt, my mother, my grandmother, and the newest addition of my 6 month old "second" cousin. Come to think of it, my middle cousin, Stephanie, had lost her husband, Greg, at that point as well. Men were quick on their feet in this household.
We all sat down to talk about life. My eldest cousin, Courntey was currently living with her boyfriend in Balitomore. She was about 4'0" and came up to my waist, her height (she learned) could make her easily forgotten if she just stayed low enough. Stephanie concerned herself mostly with the baby, Sonja, and didn't get a lot of questions asked to her. My youngest cousin Andrea, was almost as tall as I was, but completely mental. She found the Lord, after finding that she had cancer 6 or 7 times, manic depressive disorder, Torretts syndrome, and a numerous amount of infections... none of which the family believed she had. At least after finding the Lord she had calmed down in being a hypocondriac, but now we had to hear things like "That Pirate's movie is actually promoting devil worshipping." And since, I was the youngest in the room, and I had a love life much like a soap opera, I was the natural choice to be questioned first.
June, my grandmother, turned to me and said, "I heard you are dating someone new." Ugh, my mom had already told her. June liked things hip and new, which is why we called her June, instead of grandma, because she didn't like the title because it made her feel old. "Juuuuune," I whined, " Don't jinx it, it's a barely breathing relationship right now." "Oh, did something happen already?" she inquired, hoping for juicy gossip.
I was at a dilemma, something had already happened, but I had no idea what. I spent an incredible evening with him on his birthday, followed by an evening with our friends were he basically ignored me completely and avoided me, even when the two of us were alone. I was determine not to obsess over it until I returned to the same state as him,but here were 6 woman at my disposal to give me advice... I decided it was a trap and said "No, we've just been out on very few dates.." which wasn't a complete lie. Looking disappointed my aunt decided another stab at getting gossip out of me, "Didn't you just break up with someone?" she asked, already knowning the answer. My mother took over this time and told everyone what a complete asshole Matt was to me. To my horror, she followed it with "Oh and NG is NOTHING like that, QSW has known him for 3 years now."
Ugh. Immediately I was bombarded with questions.
I managed to swat many of them away, and thankfully, at that point SY decided to call me. I was in no mood to talk to him, but I was desperate to get away. He was calling me to ask me if I wanted to go to lunch. The night before, i explained to him that this was the last i'd see of him before I left for Michigan, but apparently he wasn't listening. The conversation had ended too quickly, and I found myself standing in my room not wanting to go back downstairs. So I opened my laptop, sat down, and wrote this...

ME: Have you heard about the new movie Sicko?
Brother: Yea, it's about health care, I don't like the fact that Moore makes Canada's system out to be amazing, but he has some valid points in it.
Aunt: Are you talking about Sicko?
(Aunt= Duke graduated-law-degree-completely-crazy-right-winged-republican)
Brother: Yes...
Aunt: I've never seen the movie but I hear the talk shows. Oh! I hate how he talks about the British system in a good way when they are only creating terrorists!!
ME: They teach the doctors how to make bombs?
Aunt: (rolls eyes at obviously under-bred Indiana niece) NO... (saying very sarcastically to match my blatant sarcasim) But all the people who put bombs on the subway were doctors.
Brother: WHAT?!?!
Mom: Son, it's not worth it.
Brother: (sighing) Yea you are right.
Aunt: (to Mom) You need to get these kids some more education.

I love when the sobby rich meet the well rounded.
*********************************
This is the same Aunt who was horrified when I told her I stopped by an ATM and...
DA DA DA!...
...I didn't get shot by a black man wearing a ski mask.

Cause you know....
...All black men stand by ATMs, with guns and ski masks, waiting for the next white girl to draw out some money.

A new form of racism...
...And only just after I watched the movie Crash for the first time.

No.. let me sum up.

In the Princess Bride there is a famous quote that goes something like:
"Let me explain, no, too much, let me sum up."
That is what you are getting since I'm at my grandparents house.

Matt and I broke up.
I was upset.
I got drunk a few times, and made mistakes like sleeping with GH.
He told me it didn't matter because he was breaking up with Medusa and that he hadn't had sex with her.
Medusa is moving in with FN at the end of the month.
GH said he was going to tell Medusa on June 30th.
He was a man of his word, until I found out that he only told her that it happened once and that it was because we were both drunk.
He wasn't drunk.
He e-mails me a few days later and askes if I had any STDs even though I told him before I hadn't any.
I realized he was going to have sex with her, and she didn't know the whole story.
I realized that she was going to lose her virginity to him as a desperate way of saving their relationship which they decided to "work out" even though he had said he wanted to break up with her.
After extensive converation with RHM and FN we decided that it would be best that Medusa know the whole story through one e-mail and promise her that I'd never contact her again.
I sent it.
She replied saying that she had been having sex with GH since the BEGINNING OF APRIL.

I realized that even though Matt was horrible, GH was probably one of the most snide, arrogant, asshole, ex-boyfriends I've ever had. Medusa agrees but doesn't want to ever talk to me again.
Honestly, I don't ever want to talk to her either.

Quitting is for losers

So quitting smoking was harder than I thought.
I've gotten it down to about three cigarette's a day... but I need those three.
Sunday, I had 2 cigarettes left.
I smoked one.
FN smoked the other.
I knew myself to be broke, and I knew I was getting paid on Tuesday.
So I knew Monday I'd have no cigarettes.
PERFECT!
One day I'd have to force myself to get over the no-cigarettes hump.

Yea, those things never work.

I come home on Monday, after lifting heavy boxes all day, and find my once clean living room and kitchen, to be dirtied and it had a occupant in it.
Occupant being my roommate the third shift queen.
And she was sound asleep on the only sitting place in the living room.

I was having a bad day.

So, because I was irritated at any little thing, and these were big things, I pulled out all the stops...
...AKA...
I... Turned on the TV and turned it up.
I... Decided to hand wash the dishes instead of loading them into the dishwasher, so they were louder.
I... frebrezed the hell out of the apartment, so much that it was hard for me to breathe.

Afterwards she moved to her room, grumbling, then came out a few minutes later to tell me she was travelling to Fort Wayne to visit her friend.
This is a girl who can't pay our cable bill, or her credit cards, but can have enough money to travel to Fort Wayne.
Whatever.
She left.
And for some reason it only irritated me more.
My apartment spotless again, was irritating me as well.
Just then FN called me and asked if I had any cigarettes.
I almost screamed No.
He told me he'd be over in a minute.
For some reason that made me feel better.
Once he arrived he said, I bet you have enough spare change on your floor to buy a pack of cigarettes.
He said it half -jokingly, but i was not in a half-joking mood, so i took him seriously.
I started picking up change.
It came to: 2.05 without any pennies.

Let's check RHM's room.
She, in quarters ALONE, had 3.75 cents.
I didn't even care at that point, even though FN was horrified I'd go into her room and steal 3.75 in quarters.
Quarters.
The bitch owes $130 dollars for a cable bill.
And he thinks what I did was wrong.

Sorry Charlie, I'll say from now on that she owes 126 dollars and I owe $4 dollars to it.
Even though FN smoked half the pack.
I, after smoking one cigarette out of the package, was calm for the rest of the night.
So I'm calling it "asshole tax" for Miss RHM.*

*again, another quote from Fight Club.

Grease Lightning!*

*Nothing to do with the post, but why don't I own Grease!? God, I love the small shorts and converse shoes of the 70's...John Travolta is nice too ;)

So today I planned a 4th of July party with ID.

I was impressed by that.

One, he is still a little hurt about getting rejected.
Two, it's a 4th/NG's birthday party.

Maybe he's more mature then I gave him credit for...

So we are inviting 20+ people to it.
And DUN DUN DUN... SY is coming in for the occasion.
So it'll be me, NG, SY, and ID all hanging out together.
Should be interesting on Wednesday.
Last thing SY said to me before pretending I don't exist was, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to visit soon before you single handedly make all my friends hate each other."

Sigh, jealously isn't good.