Episode two: The Cock.

I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang... -Four rooms

I'd like to state, firstly, that I'm having a good hair day today.

Secondly, I'd like to share a conversation I had with FN last night.
FN = gay man, and likes to talk about the penis because he, in fact, has seen many.
QSW = straight woman, who, in fact, actually likes sex with men compared to many other girls she's knows who just use it as a way to manipulate. Has no problems talking about dick with FN.

This conversation started because FN was complaining about Medusa and the fact that even after being finally laid, and losing her virginity, she still behaves like a prissy bitch to all of the world.
"I thought that if someone finally stuck a penis in Medusa's mouth or va jj, she'd learn to behave," he says as I walk into the door, FN doesn't need hello's when it comes to me.
"From what I remember," I started, "GH had a little penis and NO IDEA how to satisfy a woman sexually, I remember for the most part masturbating for the 3 months I was with him. Medusa probably thinks sex is pretty pointless at this point."
"No wonder you went back out with Matt," FN said in a mock gasp.
I just shrugged and sat down on the couch, opening my laptop.
"Was it at least curved?" FN asks.
I burst out laughing.
"Why on earth do you want to know?!" I said.
"Well you know the different types of penii," he starts, "very few are what I call 'worthless' meaning they have nothing going for them or their driver."
"You call men, drivers?" I said, laughing.
"For most it's a matter on how you steer your car," he says in his infamous FN sarcasm.
"I'm having flash backs to grade school and Sylvia explaining to me that sex was the male parking his car in the female," I said with equal sarcasm.
FN gave me a look and said, "You should shut up now because I don't want to hear about your grade school lesbianism," and before I could say anything, continued with his lecture.
"The worthless penis is one that is short as well as thin, no crook, and usually the driver is a bit over weight... those," he paused for emphasis, "are ones you don't want to waste your time with, and if you are telling me that you spent 3 months with one of those, then I'm going to slap you silly."
He was more like "Jack" then "Will" at this point but I didn't want to push the subject, instead I said, "He had a crook."
"Good," he said, "That means that he lucked out every third time, and he probably managed to hit the g-spot by accident."

If you'd rather not hear about my sex life and what FN thinks of it, you might want to stop reading here. You can finish this post with the thought that we went on to discuss various dick sizes.

"Matt liked to whip his dick out at every chance he got," FN continues "So I know you were happy with him."
It's true, Matt thought everyone thought he had the Irish Curse and with typical male ego, tried to prove it otherwise.
"And if NG is anything like his pictures," he said, "Then I'm guessing you are definitely happy."
"Excuse me?" I said horrified, "His pictures?"
"Yes" FN said very smugly.
"Is there something I need to know about NG?" I said starting to get horrifed, "Is he in some kind of porn you've seen or something?"
FN looked confused, "No, hunny, he's not gay, we've established that, he's dating you, I'm talking about the pictures you have of him."
"My pictures?" I said completely lost.
"Yes, on your laptop," he said.
"Um, I don't have pictures of him, and when the hell were you on my laptop," looking down at it.
"When you went out to have phone sex with NG the other night," he says, "I got on it to check my e-mail and to go through your pictures, there are some nice ones of you on there too."
Suddenly, I knew exactly what he was looking at.
"I was talking about the wedding, asshole," I said to FN, "not having phone sex, and those pictures aren't of NG."
FN ran around the living room doing a lot of fake gasping and fake acting.
He should get an Oscar for his fake acting.
"You are NOT cheating on NG, you retard," he says stopping his gasping.
"Um, no," I said with attitude, "That penis lives 10.5 hours away from here, and other than seeing him naked and him seeing me naked... that's the extent of it, this was also before NG and I had sex, so I feel its really none of your business."
FN did one HUGE fake gasp and said, "IS THIS MIKE?!"

Girls reading this, never ever tell your gay boyfriend who you've been flirting with online. It's ok if he's flesh and blood, because your gay boyfriend will put a gag in his mouth, but since the online people are no where near you, he can go off on WILD tangents.

"If I say no, you'll think it's him, and if I say yes, you'll think its him, so why ask?" I said.
"Good point!" he said brightly, "So let's compare, your mission, should you choose to accept it..."
Interrupting I said, "Is to delete all naked pictures on my computer as soon as you give me my laptop back."

"......" (FN look)...then, "No... you are retarded, these are hot pictures, you look good naked too, sorry, do you feel left out? I'd do you too, and I like the penis, does that state enough for your hotness?"
I pinched his leg, and when he grabbed his leg, I grabbed my laptop away from him.
It didn't phase him.
"So your mission," he continued, "Is to get pictures of NG's cock, and that way we can compare..."
I deleted the pictures.
"... the different sizes and looks and see which one you'd be happier with..."
I emptied recycle bin.
"Look here, FN," I said, "If you think for ONE MINUTE I think you want to see NG's cock to see if I'll be happy or not, then you have another thing coming, plus I've deleted all Mike pictures so you'll never be able to compare."

FN looked positivity horrified & sad all rolled into one.

I hate crushing a gay man's dreams.