Episode Six: Will, Grace, and the Straight man.

"There you stand like a duck in a thunderstorm again -- aren't you every going to understand?" - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

ID has his hands full.
Before you go, "Aw... poor ID, going from living alone to having a woman and gay man in his apartment," let me tell you the whole story.

FN and I moved in on August 1st.
I'm still not completely moved in, and I'm currently sharing a bed with FN, but that's a whole different blog post.

Upon FN and I moving in, ID inherited many Pros and Cons and I'm going to list them:

Pros:
1.) He now has more movies then he can handle.
2.) He now has a PS2 plus games he's never played.
3.) He has a live-in cook, who has already prepared and cleaned up 3 meals for him.
4.) He has a crazy girl who after drinking heavily on Friday evening, still got up on Saturday morning at 9:30 in the morning and cleaned the walls and floor of his porch (they were disgusting, trust me) with nothing but a bucket, sponge, and cleaner (he has no hose or exterior water source.)
5.) He's definitely not lonely anymore.

Cons:
1.) He is now living with a married couple, without rings, but still the same thing.
2.) He has to deal with hair (let's face it, women always have more hair then men, I can't help it).
3.) He now has a roommate whom will yell angrily at him if he refuses dates for no reason. Note: he did have a reason and the reason was "it won't work anyway, she's rich," not a good enough excuse for me, it equals no reason. Everyone loves a sugar momma even for a few weeks.
4.) He now has someone hitting on him constantly, and it's not female.

Do you think he's suffering or he should be able to handle it?

Episode Five: Why be a Drama Queen when Drag Queens are better?

So in real life, FN, ID, and I are all moving in together.
Well.
FN and I are moving in with ID for 17 days.
Well.
Me permanently, FN for 17 days.
Clear?

The first night this was suppose to happen, we ended up sleeping at my old apartment because no one would help me move my futon (FN's bed) and my mattress. I moved literally everything else into my apartment by myself including a bookcase, set of drawers, and a coffee table that is about 5 feet long and weights a ton. I just can't do the last two things by myself.

So FN goes to sleep on the futon.
I go to sleep in my empty room with the mattress on the floor.
RHM comes home at 1:30am.
She walks in (she knew ahead of time that FN would be there), slams the door shut so loudly that I wake up in my room, then she STORMS to her room slamming the door again, then she STORMS back to the kitchen to make herself one of the biggest sandwiches I've ever seen, and then sits down her eyes brimming with tears.

FN and I were both awake and sitting on the futon by that point, which is (I'm positive on) what she wanted.
After she eats half her sandwich, and FN popped in an episode of Will and Grace, she says, "I had one of the most disturbing conversations."

"Is it about your grandfather?" I asked, because he just recently got out of the hospital because he almost had a heart attack.
"No," she said waving her hand at me, "With Amanda!"

Amanda is ID's old roommate. ID remains still very close to her. I'd say that of all the woman in ID's life, she ranks at two. Step-mom being first, and I being third.

"What about?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"ID!" she said, eyes brimming with tears again.
"What about ID?" FN asked, a little too obviously annoyed that she hadn't spit it out already.
"SHE" she said with a certain disdain, "asked me how sex was with ID!"
"What did you say?" I said before FN could say another comment.
"I told her! And then she started asking me all these personal questions!" she said, tears rolling down her face.

She decided to start in on her sandwich again.
FN gave me a look like, "WE had to wake up for this?"
If he had said it out loud I'm positive that the "we" part would have sounded like the "she" part that RHM had just said.
I patted FN's leg and gave him a look that said, "Yea, I know, you didn't believe me all the months I complained about her drama scenes."

FN and I are at a super human level of communication now.

"Well," she had stopped eating again, "this sounds like a girlie thing to say, but has Amanda slept with ID before?"

Ah, the truth comes out.

"No sweetheart," I said, "ID is definitely not Amanda's type."
"How do you know?" she said, weepy again.
"Because Amanda's boyfriends usually have tattoos everywhere and they always 'accidentally' give her bruises or black-eyes, and I can't really see ID doing either of those things."
RHM gave a sort of hiccup laugh.
"That's hot," FN said.
I pinched him in the thigh.

"You don't have to worry about anything," I said, in hopes she wouldn't say anything else in FN's direction, "Amanda is very nosey, she also assumed I had slept with SY when I hadn't. She basically implied that I had, and if I hadn't disagreed then she would have assumed for sure that I had slept with him. It's how she gets information. SO, don't think that she knows because ID has been telling her everything."

It was sort of half true. Amanda is nosey and does get information like that, but I was fairly sure that ID had told her everything.
My statement pacified RHM anyway, thank God she doesn't know ID as well as I do.
She got up and looked in the fridge, and pulled out my extra McD's hamburger from a couple hours earlier, and started eating it.

I heard FN draw in breath to say something, because it was him who had brought it over for me, and I patted his leg quickly and shook my head, the look I gave him said, "No, not your business and I told you she did these things as well, you don't believe me ever do you?"
FN gave me a look that said, "Bitch, shut up, talk to the hand."
RHM finished and looked at us and said, "Oh guys, go to bed, its so late!"
"We are just going to watch one episode of Will and Grace and then we will," I said quickly before FN could open his mouth.
RHM said "OK," then informed us she was going back out drinking.

She left, and FN said, "Oh my god, we had to get up for that?!?! Its like she had to have an audience to watch her eat! And why the hell did she tell Amanda about ID if she was going to get upset at the questions? And why the hell didn't you tell her that was yours? And why the hell is this TV so loud, are you deaf?"
"I'm sorry," I said, "Which question did you want me to answer first."
"In the order I gave them bitch," FN smarts off to me.
"One, yes you had to get up for that because she might have sat on you if you hadn't, two, she told Amanda about ID because she loves drama and that makes good drama, plus.."
"That'd be two point 1" FN interjects.
"Shut up bitch," I said, slapping his leg and smiling.
"PLUS," I said, imitating RHM's voice, "she really just wanted to know if Amanda had slept with ID and she was hoping to get the opportunity to ask."
I stopped talking after that.
"Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd," FN said.
"I forgot the next question," I said.
"What about the sandwich!?" FN said exasperated.
"Oh yea," I started, "I'm a size two, and she's a size twenty four, if she wants to eat my unhealthy food, then so be it, but if she starts in on my salads then I'm a total bitch."
FN cracked up.
"And no, I'm not deaf," I said, "wait until the AC comes on, you'll have to turn it up."
At that moment the AC came on.
"Wow," he said, "You have good timing."
"It's a talent," I said.
"Ok, get off my bed, I'm tired and you have to get get up at 7am tomorrow," FN said.
"Wait, when do you go in?" I asked, because usually FN has the early schedule.
"11am" he said pushing me off the futon.
"You suck balls," I said turning around to head back to my room.
"Hunny, so do you, but I really don't have the energy to have a sex talk right now," he said.
"HA HA" I said, and then collapsed on my bed.

Episode Four: A rehashing of a tell-tale heart.

ID shoved NG into my front seat, closed the door, tapped my car, and walked off in the opposite direction.
NG. Tried. To. Hold. My. Hand.
When I ignored it, NG said, "Oh, he's leaving the two of us alone."
"I think you should go back and beg your buddy to come back here and protect you, because you really shouldn't be left alone with me," I said, after my third hand-ripping-away moment.
"Wait, why are you mad?" he said.
"WHY AM I MAD?" I said, well, more like yelled.
"ARE YOU REALLY THE TYPICAL BLOND WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON?" I said/yelled.
"Is this about my hand gesture?" he said.
"No, that's the last thing on the list," I said, and then I formulated a list of 9 things I was angry about. 4 of those things were unfair to bring up at that moment.
I told him I'd drop the 4.

"So, is NG no longer with us?" FN said, laughing.
"No, I killed him, but no worries I made it look like an accident," I said, in complete sarcasm.

I was rehashing the tale of my night on Saturday to a very curious FabulouslyNew. I had yet to tell him because Saturday was also the move-in date for Medusa and GH so he had no time to find out the details because he was dealing with them. My Saturday was odd. It consisted of a wild party, drunk text messages, and a big fight with NG. I had left the party to drive everyone home from the bars. NG decided that since it was ID who called me, that ID and I were cheating on him behind his back. He was wasted. I still didn't appreciate it. I also didn't appreciate ID shoving me out the door saying that "NG and I have to talk" and not even allowing me to put in my two cents. I went back to the party, and it was at my second attempt to pick them up that NG was shoved into my car and ID walked away.

Other things happened, but that was the gist.

"Soooooo, how did the fight go?" FN asked in a very gay-like manner.
"Well the ending was horrible," I said, and then I paused for dramatic effect.
"ARE YOU TWO DONE?!" FN looked horrified.
"No, silly, he bruised my cervix," I said and then I took a sip of my coffee.

It took FN a full minute to figure out what I meant by that. I knew it had dawned on him when a slow smile crept onto his face.

"Did he do that out of anger?" he said.
"Um, no, that was after the anger part of the evening," I said.
"Well, it must have been pretty rough sex if there were bruises," FN said thoroughly enjoying the moment.
"No, just 2 hours of it," I said.

(editing required to spare audience details)

"Oh my, so wow, damn, NG just went up to a new hotness level in my book," FN said.
"Yea, mine too," I said, "I'm glad we got all that stuff worked out and he proved to me I was, indeed, hot to him as well."
"It's so...," FN paused for effect, "Animalistic!"
"What?!" I said.
"Well, NG felt that his territory was being intruded on by ID, so the two alpha males battled it out, and finally NG won, so he went off to claim his prize which was mating with the alpha female," he said, "And that would be you in case you are wondering."

Nothing was said for a minute.

"Great," I said, "I have the Discovery Channel love life."
"I'm glad to put it in perspective for you" he said, laughing.

"So what did you do after the basic instinct mating?" FN asked.
"I went back to the party," I said.
"Why?!" FN said.
"Well, it was 1:30am, and I was wide awake, and I had people calling me worried about me because I left the party so suddenly earlier, and NG had pretty much passed out at that point," I said.
"Well if you were not busy at one, why didn't you respond to my text messages at 2am?" he said, rather put out.
"Because Pivo(friend of ours) took my phone and keys and shoved them down her boobs, and I didn't have the energy to chase after her and fish them out," I said. FN paused then said:

"Do you always have to top my comments? I'm the gay man here!"

Episode Three: Random Randomness

8pm: FN and I are off to jump his car.
FN is scared of cars.
I'm not joking.
He was expecting me to jump his car.
I had idea, but I wasn't sure.
It didn't help that FN and I ate dinner watching a CSI episode about a car exploding when a girl popped the hood of her car.
So, the first task was getting my car hood open...
FN was standing 30 feet away from my car, in the middle of the street, so that a car could hit him, but my car wouldn't explode on him when I popped the hood.
I was in the car, and I now had Alanis Morrisette blaring from my speakers because FN said it was "good luck" because that was the first thing he had ever stolen.
Don't ask me, I don't know.
Popping my hood went off without a hitch.
I swear we've had no booze at this point.

After that obstacle was complete, hooking one battery to another was the next step.
FN sat with his owner manual in his lap for a bit before I decided to call ID.
ID didn't answer.
I called NG, even though I had told myself I wasn't going to call until the end of the week.
No answer anyway.
After a few arguments with FN, I decided to just do it.
And it worked again without exploding the car.
I stood there watching both cars running, hooked up to each other.
I decided to go get a glass of wine and call ID to leave him a message.
I stood there with a glass in my hand, FN 20 feet away(out of the road at least), in case there was a time-release bomb in my car, and I left ID the following message:
"ID, I would like you to know that I have just successfully jumped FN's car, all by myself, and trust me, I was all by myself on this. On top of that, I did it without the help of the owners manual. I feel like I deserve a honorary pair of balls for messing with a car and not reading directions."
Click.

I continued to stand there and quietly sip my wine, while FN kept telling me to stand away from it. We must have been a site to see.

9pm: NotGay calls me back.
Me: (picking up the phone and not bothering to say hello first)Sorry NG! I called you because I was trying to find out the proper way to jump a car, and when you didn't answer I didn't leave a message.
Him: Oh ok.
Me: But yea, that was all I needed you for, I didn't mean to bug you.
Him: Not a problem, I just thought I'd call you back.
Me: Ok thanks, I'll talk to you later.
Him: Oh ok, bye.

I think he wanted to talk more. I just didn't. I swear I wasn't trying to be rude, and with FN talking REALLY loudly next to me, I'm sure NG thought that I had to go quickly.

9:30pm: ID calls me back.
Me: (without bothering with a hello again)So, did you get my message?
ID: Yep, I'm so proud of you, I've taught you so well.
Me: (laughing) yep, I learn from the best.
ID: There is beer at my place if you and FN wanna come over (FN was still talking loudly over my phone calls)
Me: Sure we will be right over.

10pm:FN and I arrive at ID's and find that Amanda (ID's old roommate) is there as well. Amanda went to school with ID and SY and then later switched schools and went to NG's school. She knows them all really well. At first there was a little competition between us on who knew them more, but since I knew them well in college and she knew them well in high school, it turns out there is no competition at all. So we like sharing horrifying stores about the three of them to each other.

Conversation was good, and we started talking about how SY can never get it up when he's drunk. Amanda and I have both known his girlfriends and all of them have verified this. Whiskey Dick is what I've heard it called.

I said, "Oh I know! It's so funny because SY and I .."
Amanda interrupts.
"Oh yea! I guess he did get it up for you that one time! But I mean, look at you, its no wonder he did for you."
My jaw dropped.
"I have NEVER had sex with SY!!"
Amanda and ID looked shocked.
FN started doubling over in laughter.
Amanda started with, "But I thought..."
ID put down his beer.
I said, "No, I'm sorry. SY said something like this when I told him I was dating NG. And I informed him then that I had never had sex with him. The night in question was when we seriously considered dating, yes, but it was also after 10 beers, and 6 or 8 shots of vodka. I could barely stand up, and we ended up laying on his bed and making out, but I promise you, he did not get it up, and I have never seen his penis, let alone, have sex with him! I don't think he even remembers much of that night!"

I remembered it only because SY made a statement to me, before we started making out, he said "QSW, you date the guys you want to date, but I know you. You get your heart broken by them and I'll be here to pick up the pieces, but just so you know, I'll be the last one standing. I'll be the last person you date. Mark my words."

FN was almost in tears laughing.
ID had his eyebrows raised.
Amanda had started laughing as well. Apparently, SY had convinced ID that he had.

Then Amanda said the following... not two seconds later.
"Oh my God. (then trying to switch the subject, after seeing ID's face) Now, if we could just get NotGay to find a girl. I swear. He's proving himself more gay every day that goes by that he refuses to date someone. How long has it been? A year or two since he had a real girlfriend? I'm not counting Brittany either, that was a month long fling, not a girlfriend..."

FN was quite literally on the floor of the porch crying, because he was laughing so hard.
ID had started his Peter Griffin giggle.
Amanda looked lost.
Before I could say anything, FN came up gasping for air and said, "Oh but she has had sex with him!" and then doubled over laughing again.
ID was in his full-fledged Peter Griffin laugh.
Amanda looked at me.
"I've been dating him for the last two months," I said.
"Ohhh, that explains the weird look you gave me when I told you I had a friend that would like to be set up with you.... I guess that also explains why NG kept clenching his jaw repeatedly during that conversation..." she said, thinking out loud.
"yep," I said, and crossed my fingers in hopes that she would catch the hint to drop the subject.
She didn't.
"Oh, so you can totally verify that he isn't gay!" she started.
FN renewed his laughter and started saying in between spurts of laughter, "Not what," "she said," "Saturday night!"
"Yes, FN, He's gay, ok? Happy?" I said in sarcasm.

"Hey! Now, just leave the man alone!"
It was ID that had come to his defense, and it shocked everyone sober.
"I'm surprised you aren't joining in!" I said, "You and SY had a running bet on whether he was gay or not."
"Yes, well, that was before you..." he trailed off.
"Sparked his interests?" I finished for him.
"Yes," and with that, he walked off to get another beer.
FN looked at me and said, "I guess it won't be as bad as you thought living with ID."
"Wait! You are living with ID?!" said Amanda.

Poor girl, I don't think anyone filled her in on last month's gossip.

Episode two: The Cock.

I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang... -Four rooms

I'd like to state, firstly, that I'm having a good hair day today.

Secondly, I'd like to share a conversation I had with FN last night.
FN = gay man, and likes to talk about the penis because he, in fact, has seen many.
QSW = straight woman, who, in fact, actually likes sex with men compared to many other girls she's knows who just use it as a way to manipulate. Has no problems talking about dick with FN.

This conversation started because FN was complaining about Medusa and the fact that even after being finally laid, and losing her virginity, she still behaves like a prissy bitch to all of the world.
"I thought that if someone finally stuck a penis in Medusa's mouth or va jj, she'd learn to behave," he says as I walk into the door, FN doesn't need hello's when it comes to me.
"From what I remember," I started, "GH had a little penis and NO IDEA how to satisfy a woman sexually, I remember for the most part masturbating for the 3 months I was with him. Medusa probably thinks sex is pretty pointless at this point."
"No wonder you went back out with Matt," FN said in a mock gasp.
I just shrugged and sat down on the couch, opening my laptop.
"Was it at least curved?" FN asks.
I burst out laughing.
"Why on earth do you want to know?!" I said.
"Well you know the different types of penii," he starts, "very few are what I call 'worthless' meaning they have nothing going for them or their driver."
"You call men, drivers?" I said, laughing.
"For most it's a matter on how you steer your car," he says in his infamous FN sarcasm.
"I'm having flash backs to grade school and Sylvia explaining to me that sex was the male parking his car in the female," I said with equal sarcasm.
FN gave me a look and said, "You should shut up now because I don't want to hear about your grade school lesbianism," and before I could say anything, continued with his lecture.
"The worthless penis is one that is short as well as thin, no crook, and usually the driver is a bit over weight... those," he paused for emphasis, "are ones you don't want to waste your time with, and if you are telling me that you spent 3 months with one of those, then I'm going to slap you silly."
He was more like "Jack" then "Will" at this point but I didn't want to push the subject, instead I said, "He had a crook."
"Good," he said, "That means that he lucked out every third time, and he probably managed to hit the g-spot by accident."

If you'd rather not hear about my sex life and what FN thinks of it, you might want to stop reading here. You can finish this post with the thought that we went on to discuss various dick sizes.

"Matt liked to whip his dick out at every chance he got," FN continues "So I know you were happy with him."
It's true, Matt thought everyone thought he had the Irish Curse and with typical male ego, tried to prove it otherwise.
"And if NG is anything like his pictures," he said, "Then I'm guessing you are definitely happy."
"Excuse me?" I said horrified, "His pictures?"
"Yes" FN said very smugly.
"Is there something I need to know about NG?" I said starting to get horrifed, "Is he in some kind of porn you've seen or something?"
FN looked confused, "No, hunny, he's not gay, we've established that, he's dating you, I'm talking about the pictures you have of him."
"My pictures?" I said completely lost.
"Yes, on your laptop," he said.
"Um, I don't have pictures of him, and when the hell were you on my laptop," looking down at it.
"When you went out to have phone sex with NG the other night," he says, "I got on it to check my e-mail and to go through your pictures, there are some nice ones of you on there too."
Suddenly, I knew exactly what he was looking at.
"I was talking about the wedding, asshole," I said to FN, "not having phone sex, and those pictures aren't of NG."
FN ran around the living room doing a lot of fake gasping and fake acting.
He should get an Oscar for his fake acting.
"You are NOT cheating on NG, you retard," he says stopping his gasping.
"Um, no," I said with attitude, "That penis lives 10.5 hours away from here, and other than seeing him naked and him seeing me naked... that's the extent of it, this was also before NG and I had sex, so I feel its really none of your business."
FN did one HUGE fake gasp and said, "IS THIS MIKE?!"

Girls reading this, never ever tell your gay boyfriend who you've been flirting with online. It's ok if he's flesh and blood, because your gay boyfriend will put a gag in his mouth, but since the online people are no where near you, he can go off on WILD tangents.

"If I say no, you'll think it's him, and if I say yes, you'll think its him, so why ask?" I said.
"Good point!" he said brightly, "So let's compare, your mission, should you choose to accept it..."
Interrupting I said, "Is to delete all naked pictures on my computer as soon as you give me my laptop back."

"......" (FN look)...then, "No... you are retarded, these are hot pictures, you look good naked too, sorry, do you feel left out? I'd do you too, and I like the penis, does that state enough for your hotness?"
I pinched his leg, and when he grabbed his leg, I grabbed my laptop away from him.
It didn't phase him.
"So your mission," he continued, "Is to get pictures of NG's cock, and that way we can compare..."
I deleted the pictures.
"... the different sizes and looks and see which one you'd be happier with..."
I emptied recycle bin.
"Look here, FN," I said, "If you think for ONE MINUTE I think you want to see NG's cock to see if I'll be happy or not, then you have another thing coming, plus I've deleted all Mike pictures so you'll never be able to compare."

FN looked positivity horrified & sad all rolled into one.

I hate crushing a gay man's dreams.