2 Months
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"I love you"

It was the third time he had said it in an hour.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

I was trying to do homework. Math homework. Calculus.
And he was saying "I love you" every 20 minutes.

"Not at all, you just make me so happy." he replied.

I could feel the noose, tighten.
I had visions of all my air being cut off from the lovable puppy slobbering me to death.
My friends wondered what happened to me.
RHM and FN were the only two to see me anymore.
And that was only if GH was there.

GH started sentences like "Well, one day when we are married..."

Married? How many months had it had been? Two?
Loss of breath had already set in on some occasions. How long before the anxiety?

RHM looked at me as if she were happy for me.
If she only knew everything.

And then there came the penis.
"Size doesn't matter." Its what girls always say.
Very true in most cases.
Unless your hand, made into a fist, almost covers the entire dick.
Whatever, I could live with it, he knew how to move it.

Wait... no he didn't.
Sex was awkward and strange every time we did it.
I would get this sick feeling (once the newness wore off) every time we did it.
I can't replicate it unless I start thinking of a 90 year old man, with wrinkles everywhere, tying me up, against my will, and pinching my nipple repeatedly saying "you know you want it," then waving his dick at me... which was as long as my fist.
That gets me somewhere in the range of the sick feeling I got with GH.

But... GH was a good man.
Caring, wonderful, a decent human being.
He had a lot of my same interests, and what he didn't have an interest in he would put forth the effort to understand it, just like i did with him.
Thats what girls want isn't it?
A man who is emotionally available. A man who would be at their beck and call. A man who would really try to understand them.
Right?!?

I hung on longer.
I knew by two months we weren't going to work out.
But everyone was "so happy" for us.
It was like winning Prom Queen or something.
**************************************
3 Months
**************************************
It wasn't until almost three months that I realized that I had no desire to be Prom Queen.

At two and a half months I got a bad eye infection.
So bad that at 3 in the morning I had to be rushed to the ER because I was bleeding from my eye.
Doctor had no idea what was wrong with me, but gave me antibotics and Vicodin and sent me on my way.
Antibotics worked, and the Vicodin got me through the next week before the redness started going away.
I had 8 pills of Viocodin left and no need for them anymore.
I did the unthinkable.
I called Matt, and told him I had them.
He always complained of a bad neck from being at the microscope all day.
I offered them to him.
He accepted.

We chatted for about 30 minutes before I left his apartment.
No funny business. Just talking.

I felt bad at what I had done. And I told GH. Sort of.
I told him what I had done, but I told him I had "run into" Matt and had mentioned to him that I had the pills if he needed them, and he accepted.
It was a version of the truth. And I felt worse for not saying all of it.
GH didn't seem to mind at all.
That's when I realized that I felt guilty only because I wanted more to happen.
I slapped myself mentally.

A week later I was at the bars. GH wasn't there.
I had to ask him to stay at home.
I just wanted to hang out with RHM, SY, and ID alone.
Nothing against him, I just knew how much they held back when he was there.
I just wanted to be alone with my friends.
It was like beating a puppy.
He finally agreed though.
RHM and I were the first two out.
I confessed everything to her.
She was horrifed and immediately asked me to stop seeing him.
SY and ID showed up shortly after that.
We all relaxed and drank without GH hovering over us.
That's when Matt showed up.
I wrote a post about the occasion.
The gist of the post was: He wanted more (like a relationship with me), I said no, I played it cool, when really I wasn't because I did want more.
A few weeks more with GH, and I knew that even if I didn't want Matt (or said i didn't) I had to end it with him.

GH took the news very hard.
I didn't disappear completely at first.
Actually the next couple of days went as if I didn't ask for a break up.
Slowly but surely we started drifting.
Everything went at his pace.
I started going out on dates with Matt, who called me every other day for 2 weeks (who had no idea that I was in a relationship or out of one by that point), and quietly started to move on from GH.

And now you have today.
Christmas day (or if I could have typed faster)
Matt called me (no prompting on my part) said Merry Christmas, and we talked for a bit before saying goodnight.
And I'm very happy with only that.

As a side note: After writing the post below, I realized I never explained to any of you how GH and I broke up. It wasn't a horrible break up, but the way I talk about him sounds sort of bitchy and unfeeling. He is a great guy, for someone else, and I promise sometime after the holidays to write down exactly what went wrong... cause he doesn't read this blog.

Ho ho ho for sho

Text message from GH:
"So this girl was completely eye fucking me, and I noticed her eyes were the same shape as your cat Olivia."

There are no words to describe the feeling I got when I read this text message.

At least Matt (who was known as SO at the time) had the decency to ask "How are you?" before getting into the insults/booty call.

I really didn't know what to say, but I definitely snorted when I read it.
And I don't snort.

Later in the evening time, after I thought I wouldn't laugh at it anymore, I called him.
Asked him how he was?... how was home?... how was the family?... what the fuck kind of text message was that?
He and I share a LOT of the same friends. So we declared upon break-up that we'd remain at least civil with each other.
So far so good, I've hung out with him on a number of occasions, and he's hung out with my brother and roommate without me.

He still doesn't know about Matt.
I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Back to the text message.
So when I asked (much more politely than above) about it, he said, "Oh that girl reminded me so much of Olivia."
Pause
"Anything else?" I inquired.
"Nope." he said.
"Well that text message reminded me so much of this guy I saw as I was leaving town. I was at the movie store, (and I was in those long boots that hit my knees, remember those?)and I dropped my card, you see, and so as I was bending over to retrieve it I glanced behind me and totally saw the guy checking me out behind the counter." I told the story...
Pause
"Ok ok, I get it." he said.
I smiled and changed the subject.

I thought, if he can't handle hearing about me moving on (cause I have tried to tell him) then it's not fair that he tells me about moving on for him.

I was born in a small town. (is that a song?)
So small, that when one of my friends bought cigarettes when she turned 18, by the time she got home with them (she lived a 5 minute walk from the place where she got them) her mother already knew she had them and what kind they were.

News carries at a rate faster than the speed of sound.
Sometimes, just by looking at you, little old ladies in my town just KNOW what you've been up too.
It's terrifying.

So I get home to my small town.
I have a doctor's appointment with one of the only people in this town i trust, I tell her whats been going on with me, and she rules out cancer and pregnancy.
The only two things I'd have major problems with if they happen to be the problem.
Good enough for me.

On my way home, I felt like creating mischief.
I got into my 98 chevy blazer, teal green.
I popped in a CD that Matt had made for me, he put on it his favorites such as Jay Z -Brush Your Shoulder Off and Three 6 Mafia - Poppin' My Collar.
Cracked the dark tinted windows on the blazer.
And lit up a Newport.

The best moment was driving past the town square and having people stop and stare at my car.
I wonder how long until my mom knows I did that.

So from Friday at 6 till today at 3ish, I spent almost every waking minute with Matt.
Kind of wild.
I kept trying to leave, to give him space, but he wanted nothing to do with it.

Friday, we went out, I got too drunk, went to his place.
He came home and we hung out for a bit until we were both sleepy.

Saturday I spent the morning with him, and that evening we (ID, Matt and myself) fixed Matt's car and then Matt took us out for drinks.
His co-workers joined us later and we went home together.
He actually wanted to leave the bars early to spend time with me.

Sunday we watched the Bears.
Then we made dinner together and cuddled until we fell asleep.

Monday I went to Chicago.
He bought me tickets to see King Tut.
While King Tut wasn't that great, Matt was awesome.
He patiently went through the entire exhibit with me, took me out for deep dish pizza afterwards, and then had me meet his brother and mom.

Today, I wasn't feeling well (it's kind of serious, but nothing I can't handle).
He curled up next to me and kissed me repeatedly while stroking my hair.
I told him to have fun these next two weeks while he was home and I was home.
He said he would and asked me to call him as soon as I had been to the doctor's office.
I promised I would.
We kissed and then I dropped him off at work.

And Now, I'm heading home for a couple of weeks to be with my family.

I can't help but feel really happy with Matt, regardless of what might have happened in the past.
And even if it doesn't work out between us, I am very happy I gave that man a second chance.

For those of you who know their significant other by heart and can easily walk into a store and buy something for them, I envy you.

For the rest of us, we need help.

I am dating a man now, who is eccentric to say the least.

His idols are: Ron Jeremy, Mike Shank (American Movie), Tom Selleck, and Hunter S. Thompson
Likes: Dancing around his apartment, talking about how he's going to make millions creating the first ever penis enlarging mechanism, Captain Morgan, Danza Slapping, and Nano technology which he studies every day as part of his job.
Dislikes: Sugar free jelly, reduced fat peanut butter, scientifically related insults (i.e. "Hun, you're a little emotional, is the estrogen high today?"), dumb girls, guys who have sex in a canoe, and people who yell.

The man is impossible to buy for, and he seems to have my Christmas present down. He keeps telling me how I'm going to love all the things he's getting for me. When I ask what they are he responds with "a pink helmet so you don't hurt your head next time out of Harry's" or "A black punisher (see dildo)" or something that I really don't think he'll buy (i think...)

I'm at a loss.
I would like to get him something good, but what, I have no idea.

A toothbrush is like an engagement ring for those who don't want marriage.

This past weekend and early into this week I've done 4 things:
Eat
Sleep (sort of)
Study
See Matt

Sunday night I was fed up with studying, so I decided to go over to Matt's place to see what he was up too.
He was surprised to see me, and asked what I was up too.
I told him how fed up I was.
He said, "You know what will make you feel better? Grocery shopping."
At this I laughed.
Matt has been without a fridge for 3 weeks (it was only fixed on Saturday morning) and without a car for much, much longer.
I told him I'd take him grocery shopping.
It was nice to be with him again, and it was even nicer that he was so willing to be with me.
As our journey progressed through the aisles, we came to the aisle of tampons, pregancy tests, toothbrushs, and condoms (toothbrushes don't seem like they belong really...).
"We don't need anything down this aisle" I said.
"We need to get you a toothbrush..." he said.
"What are you saying? I have bad teeth?" I said with a wink.
"No, I'm saying that you'll need one for my apartment." he retorted.

I stopped cold.
Did I just hear that right?
He stared at me with amusment.

"Are you going to freak out on me?" He asked really amused.
"No." Was all I said.

We got a toothbrush.
I went back to his apartment, and he placed it in the cup by his toothbrush.
He kissed me on both cheeks, and asked if I was hungry.
(I had a bad night in my first ever fight with my friend ID, so I had pretty much forgotten to eat...)
I told him I was, and he said, "How about I make you breakfast?"
It was 11:30 at night.
And I suddenly remembered all the nights we spent eating breakfast together at midnight, whether he made it, I made it, or we haunted some establishment like Denny's.

I smiled, kissed him, and told him how wonderful that sounded.

So here I restart... Sort of.
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Formally known as Quietly Sipping Wine