Dear pompous, old windbags,

I am writing you this letter to inform you that tipping 4 dollars on a 44 dollar tab is not acceptable. Especially when you state, prior to tipping, that you normally tip one dollar per drink. I served you 8 drinks. I also don't appreciate you telling me how you tip less in the winter and more in the summer, does the service lack in the winter? Is it not summer yet? What about spring and fall? Apparently there are seasons where you barely tip at all.
Your daughter was lovely though. She tipped me 1.25 per beer and when she ordered shots she tipped me 6 dollars on a 30 dollar shot tab. Plus, she bought me a shot as well. Your daughter is amazing, I'm not sure how she came from you.
My friend once said, "I pay for everything with cash when I get it, and then I don't tip until the end of the night. I like to just leave a stack cash on the table when I leave." I had to knock him in the head because obviously he wasn't thinking clearly. After he got up from the ground, he promised me he'd tip 20% every time he got a drink or he'd start a tab and pay AND tip at the end of the night.
May I do that to you? I think it might clear your head and make you understand how the world works according to Quietly Sipping Wine. At least, that's what I hear my punching in the head does for people. Call it a religious experience you'll never forget.
Please see me soon at the bar and let me know what you think.
Sincerely,
Quietly Sipping Wine

Ps. You have a lazy eye that always seems to be looking at my right breast. It creeps me out. Please, my punch can fix that too.