Overheard in a bar: Phone, relationships, and beer

Bartender (on phone): I'm sorry the owner isn't here right now.
(pause)
Bartender: He makes his own hours, I'm not sure when he'll be here next.
(pause)
Bartender: The owner isn't married.
(pause)
Bartender: Well, I'm not sure why he lied to you.
(pause)
Bartender: Well now, that's just way too personal. (hangs up)


Waitress (on phone & smoking): Seriously, when was the last time you took me out?
Waiter (over hearing conversation): I bet it's been awhile.
Waitress(to phone): Yea, since November! It's February! You didn't even take me out for Valentine's Day!
Waiter (still listening in): Oh shit, he's in trouble.
Waitress (saying goodbye and hanging up): Ok, I have a date for this Friday.
Waiter: The conversation would have gone a lot quicker if you had just used the porn you found on his computer against him.
Waitress: No, that's my newest form of control, I don't want to wear it out.

Beer guy: I put a new tap on the Irish Stout so that it comes out frothy.
Bartender: Did we request that?
Beer guy: No, it was suppose to be like that originally but I didn't have the proper tap.
(pause)
Beer guy: Do you know how to use that sort of tap?
Bartender (second guessing herself): Um, I think so.
Beer guy: Here, let me show you. (walks over, takes a glass, puts it to the tap and pours like any other tap, and then starts drinking the beer he just poured)
Bartender: That was the lamest way I've ever seen anyone get free beer... and we have meth heads that come in on a regular basis.
Beer guy: Well, meth heads and beer deliverers are basically both forms of pond scum.


Me: Thanks for coming in 15 minutes earlier to replace me!
Bartender (replacing me): Again, tell me, Why the hell am I here so early?
Me: I have a meeting in 15 minutes to figure out what is going to be said at my friend's funeral.
Kitchen guy (overhearing): Ooooh! Who feels like a jackass now?!