Hold the phone...
"Joe, I need something."
"Are you there?"
Those popped up on my screen from a "Tina" and I realized that my boyfriend Mr. Lust, aka Joe, had left his Y! messenger running.
I few minutes later Joe walked in.
"Tina just IMed you, I'm not sure what she wanted, but you left your Y! running and I was checking my e-mail."
"Oh ok, can I see my laptop?"
"sure"
Tina had a picture, she was my age, pretty long hair, perfect teeth, pretty eyes, looked to be a former cheerleader.
I have a low self-esteem to begin with.
He sits down in front of me. Places the laptop so its in perfect eye sight of me, and types to her.
"What?"
"what lol?" she returns.
He doesn't write anything for 10 minutes. He checks e-mail and whatnot.
"Well I hope you find what you are looking for"
"What?" she returns.
"I gotta go, talk to you later."
He signs offline and moves to the couch, and outta my eyesight.
Apparently I trust everyone inexplicably.
I sat and watched Family Guy and laughed at jokes and talked to him, and he told jokes and for about 20 minutes we sat like that, and no thought crossed my mind that he could be sitting on the couch, signed back in to Y! and typing to Tina.
But that's what he did.
At the end of Family Guy I got up and I went over to kiss him on the forehead and ask if he wanted me to make him another drink. As I leaned over his laptop to kiss him on the forehead he grabbed his screen and said, "No no no, baby don't!" and almost closed his laptop screen.
It was too late.
Tina's screen was up and it was obvious that they were having a long conversation.
I don't know if you, the audience, have ever been cheated on, but when you find doubt or feel suspicion its a horrible feeling.
I went cold. It felt as if I had just swallowed a pound of ice and it was sitting in my stomach with a dull ache of cold. I didn't feel anger, I didn't feel hurt... the feeling could closely be related to scared, but I wasn't scared. I've dealt with this too much to be scared of it anymore.
Confrontation happened moments later.
I was as calm as I could be.
"Who is she?"
"Just a friend from high school"
"What did she want?"
"I'd rather not say"
"What?"
"I don't want to get into this."
"Do you have a kid with her?"
"No"
"Were you married before?"
"No" (scowls)
"Are you married now?"
"No" (hurt expression)
"Are you cheating on me?"
"I'd never cheat on you."
"I've heard that before, its hard to believe"
"I love you so much."
"I've heard that too... Joe, I'm completely jaded on this subject, please give me some kind of reassurance other than what you're giving me now."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"Please, tell me why she would contact you."
"I'd rather not"
"It doesn't matter, I need reassurance."
"I'm just going to delete Y!"
"Then you'll just call her."
"I don't have her number."
"I find it hard to believe that you won't tell me about this girl because of some deep dark secret and you fail to have her phone number."
"Well, that's how it is."
At this, he got up and walked to another room to strip paint. He came in once or twice to ask if I wanted to "talk" but since he won't tell me anything, I don't know what we'd "talk" about.
And now I'm sitting her writing this.
Lucky me, my phone is dead, so this is my only relief to talk.
"Are you there?"
Those popped up on my screen from a "Tina" and I realized that my boyfriend Mr. Lust, aka Joe, had left his Y! messenger running.
I few minutes later Joe walked in.
"Tina just IMed you, I'm not sure what she wanted, but you left your Y! running and I was checking my e-mail."
"Oh ok, can I see my laptop?"
"sure"
Tina had a picture, she was my age, pretty long hair, perfect teeth, pretty eyes, looked to be a former cheerleader.
I have a low self-esteem to begin with.
He sits down in front of me. Places the laptop so its in perfect eye sight of me, and types to her.
"What?"
"what lol?" she returns.
He doesn't write anything for 10 minutes. He checks e-mail and whatnot.
"Well I hope you find what you are looking for"
"What?" she returns.
"I gotta go, talk to you later."
He signs offline and moves to the couch, and outta my eyesight.
Apparently I trust everyone inexplicably.
I sat and watched Family Guy and laughed at jokes and talked to him, and he told jokes and for about 20 minutes we sat like that, and no thought crossed my mind that he could be sitting on the couch, signed back in to Y! and typing to Tina.
But that's what he did.
At the end of Family Guy I got up and I went over to kiss him on the forehead and ask if he wanted me to make him another drink. As I leaned over his laptop to kiss him on the forehead he grabbed his screen and said, "No no no, baby don't!" and almost closed his laptop screen.
It was too late.
Tina's screen was up and it was obvious that they were having a long conversation.
I don't know if you, the audience, have ever been cheated on, but when you find doubt or feel suspicion its a horrible feeling.
I went cold. It felt as if I had just swallowed a pound of ice and it was sitting in my stomach with a dull ache of cold. I didn't feel anger, I didn't feel hurt... the feeling could closely be related to scared, but I wasn't scared. I've dealt with this too much to be scared of it anymore.
Confrontation happened moments later.
I was as calm as I could be.
"Who is she?"
"Just a friend from high school"
"What did she want?"
"I'd rather not say"
"What?"
"I don't want to get into this."
"Do you have a kid with her?"
"No"
"Were you married before?"
"No" (scowls)
"Are you married now?"
"No" (hurt expression)
"Are you cheating on me?"
"I'd never cheat on you."
"I've heard that before, its hard to believe"
"I love you so much."
"I've heard that too... Joe, I'm completely jaded on this subject, please give me some kind of reassurance other than what you're giving me now."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"Please, tell me why she would contact you."
"I'd rather not"
"It doesn't matter, I need reassurance."
"I'm just going to delete Y!"
"Then you'll just call her."
"I don't have her number."
"I find it hard to believe that you won't tell me about this girl because of some deep dark secret and you fail to have her phone number."
"Well, that's how it is."
At this, he got up and walked to another room to strip paint. He came in once or twice to ask if I wanted to "talk" but since he won't tell me anything, I don't know what we'd "talk" about.
And now I'm sitting her writing this.
Lucky me, my phone is dead, so this is my only relief to talk.
posted by Sipwine at 8:30 PM
7 Comments:
I hear you, QSW. Once you've been cheated on, it's really goddamn hard to trust anyone again.
Go talk to him. This is a big deal to you. Don't stay out of reach or touch. Tell him exactly why this is such a big deal. (Seriously. Don't expect him to figure it out, even if you've already told him the background before.)
I'm sorry QSW!
All I can say is - talk to him. If he won't tell you, then he's just a jackass, because the situation is too obvious for you to ignore. I mean, seriously, if you spend a long time IMing somebody and then don't want you girlfriend to see it, of course there's something in the bush or he's better have a goddamn good explanation.
Trust is a two way street QSW! It's takes two.. He needs to trust you by coughing up the truth, no matter what the cost!! or JsT forget it.. regardless of how good he is.. the fact remains "he" doesn't trust YOU enough!
QSW I hope you are doing better than yesterday? Have you two talked it out yet? What did the IM say?
I would have thought the same things, and been just as miffed as you are.
I mean, why hide anything if its nt a big deal, right?
How can she be a friend from high school and yet he's never met her before? Whether he is cheating or not, he's lying and you deserve honesty, always.
I've been reading your blog since Thanksgiving, and while that's not very long I think you're very insighful. Don't stop thinking now- how do you think he would feel if you told him the same thing? One need not have sex or sexual content to cheat. He very obviously cheating on you. Ask yourself one question- what would your mother say? Mine would tell me to wake up and smell the coffee. What's he need a weekly talk dirty session with someone else for? He should be doing that with you. And only you.
Post a Comment
<< Home